


Inner Scars

by jrealm



Category: Backstreet Boys, Popslash
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-07 21:26:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 46,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6824941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jrealm/pseuds/jrealm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Can we ever escape the past, or does it haunt us forever?</i>
</p><p>Nick was living a life he grew accustomed to. A life filled with misery and loneliness he assumed he was doomed to live forever, until he met the man who wound up changing his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story from years ago that I never got around to finishing.

  


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

The room was dark and quiet. The only sounds were soft breaths and the distant noises of kids laughing and screaming outside. The only light was from the small crack shining through the window. I hated this room, hated the dark. Everything felt like it was closing in around me and I couldn’t breathe; the air felt thick. I felt like I was drowning. A sudden mass of water came crashing in, filling the room and I struggled to stay above water. My arms and legs wouldn’t move, there was no end to the depth of the water and I felt too weak. I surrendered to the water and let myself go.

“Nick… Nick, get up buddy.”

The water evaporated as I felt a firm grasp on my arms, “Huh… Bri?”

“Yeah, it’s me… You were having a nightmare again, you almost punched me in the face this time,” Brian said with a soft smile, “you okay?”

I rubbed my eyes, “Yeah, I’m good.” I kicked off the covers on the bed and felt my clothes clinging to my body from being drenched in sweat. The sweat felt cold against my body and made me shiver. I reached for the covers and pulled them back up.

“It’s already noon, you should really get up. Do you have a shift later on today?”

I yawned, “Yeah, at 5.” Brian didn’t even have to say how much he hated my job, it was always written all over his face.

“I made breakfast, well, hours ago but I knew you’d bug me to make you some anyways so I left some for you.”

I smiled, “You know me well, did you make your pancakes?”

“Yup,” Brian gave me a squeeze on the shoulder, “come out when you’re ready.” 

Brian walked out of the room and I laid back down trying to find the will and energy to get out of bed. 

Another nightmare, it’s nothing new, I have nightmares every night. They’re not always the same, some nights are worse than others. I’m always in the room but the endings change every now and then. Sometimes the entire room in on fire and the flames overtake me, sometimes I feel a pull into greater darkness trying to swallow me whole, other times someone stabs me repeatedly over every inch of my body while I lay there helpless unable to move. I hate falling asleep. I wish I could fall asleep just once and have a peaceful dream, go to a better place. Escape from my reality for just a moment into a world of imagination. I would even settle for a dreamless sleep. I tried taking medication but I hated the loopy feeling I had throughout the day when I took them. So, I figure it’s just something I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life. Oh well, time to get out of bed and start a new day.

I spent the day hanging out with Brian, my best friend. We grew up in the same neighborhood, a neighborhood filled with violence, crime and drugs. We both steered clear from all the bad influences around us and formed a tight bond. He’s five years older than me, but it never seemed to bother him, and somehow we just clicked. Brian finally got out of our crappy neighborhood to move in with his half-brother, Howie, about four years ago. Their mother got sucked into a life of drugs and alcohol and Brian knew he couldn’t stay with her anymore. Thankfully he didn’t move too far away so I could still go to see him when I wanted; I would have been completely devastated if he packed up and left me. Of course, Brian would never do that to me. In fact, just two years ago he asked me to move in with him. He finally found out about my life at home and wanted to give me a safe place to stay. He told me he had a feeling something was going on but didn’t want to push me, now that he knew he cursed himself for not pushing it out of me sooner. I was just happy to have a great place to come home to everyday, living with Brian and Howie was awesome. 

By 5’oclock the fun with Brian came to an end and I headed off to work. 

I get to work at the Palace today, which I always liked better. Sometimes I had to go to the clients, other times they would drop by here and the worst was when I had to be on the streets. 

“Nick you have a regular today.” I looked over my shoulder at Drew. 

Drew was the co-owner of this place. The establishment was a kink house and escort service, basically whatever your pleasure, they made your fantasies come to life. Some of the clients we’re into some freaky things but we always tried to please every client since most of them we’re pretty high rollers. The stuff on the streets was done on the “down-low” and I tried my best to avoid those shifts as often as I could. 

“Drew, you called me Nick again.” 

Drew laughed, “Oh sorry, _Jakey_ honey you have your client waiting for you.”

I rolled my eyes, “Who is it?”

Drew looked in his booking notebook, “Umm, looks like you’re with Ryan.”

I nodded, “All right, see ya later.”

I walked into the changing area. This particular client didn’t have many requests, just that I wore a blindfold. I grabbed my bottle of lube and prepped myself. Most clients liked to get straight down to business so before any of us went to our clients we had to make sure we were ready to go. 

Right before walking into the room I placed the blindfold over my eyes. 

“Hey Ryan, how do you want me today?”

"Face on the bed, ass in air."

I nodded my head and sighed, here we go.

I’m not really sure if I really like sex, sometimes it feels okay but most of the time I feel weird and uncomfortable, especially with the clients that want me to be really vocal during sex. It’s just a job to me, I do what I can to make my client leave satisfied. You’re never what’s important in this business, you’re just there as a body or a fantasy in some cases. It just makes me feel empty now, and after doing this for two years I was done with it.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day started out just like any other when I was working the streets. I was leaning back against a wall trying to find a potential client when a man approached me. He was gorgeous; strong, dark features and inviting green eyes. He started making light conversation obviously interested so I made my move. Most times in the street all I needed to do was put a smirk on my face and ask, “Are you looking for a good time?” and I’m good to go. Based on this guy’s expression, I could tell he was not expecting that to come out of my mouth, he looked surprised and kind of nervous. He totally ignored my comment and asked me if I wanted to go somewhere just to chat, which in turn had me kind of surprised. I couldn’t figure out if this guy was just messing with me, and this “chat” was just code for sex or if he genuinely wanted to _chat_. Either way I decided to tell him I was busy working and didn’t have time for a chat… that’s when he got us a room.

We went to a pretty high class hotel, one that I had only enjoyed from the outside but never dared to go into. When we made our way inside the room I took a moment to look around, this was a _really_ nice room. No matter how loaded my other clients have been, they never invited me to a room this nice. I guess they figured they are already spending enough on the sex, which we can do just about anywhere, so why add to the cost. 

I didn’t waste a minute and walked straight into the bedroom. The room had a queen sized bed and a huge window with a view overlooking the city. I went over to the bed and sat down on the edge turning to Kevin who followed me in, “So, how do you want me?” I figured there was no point in stalling; we both know what we’re here for. I had to suppress a laugh, he looked pretty surprised with my forwardness. 

”Um… well, why don’t we just sit… maybe have a few drinks for a while”

Okay… That wasn’t the response I was expecting. I have a routine that I go through once I find a client: come up to a room, get into whatever position they want, have sex, get my money and leave. I stared at him for a moment trying to figure him out, maybe he just feels awkward getting down and dirty right away. Or maybe he thinks I do usually sit and talk to clients. He was just staring at me in an intense gaze with his striking green eyes and it was starting to make me feel a little uneasy. “Uhh… I guess, are you sure? I mean, you don’t—don’t feel like you need to do that”

Kevin realized just how young this boy was and how he suddenly looked a little nervous, he smiled at him hoping to take the edge off. “I should have asked you this before I brought you up here, but how old are you?’

“Eighteen”

“Eighteen… you’re so young,” I watched as he looked away, his eyes crinkled and his brows furrowed slightly as if he was deep in thought, then he looked back over to me. “Jake, how long have you been doing this?” 

I accidently looked over to the door. Shit, you’re Jake you idiot! I shifted on the bed and started playing with the zipper on my jacket. 

“I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want but… I just thought I’d get to know you a little better.”

I don’t understand why this guy wants to get to know me better, I feel like I’m on a date, well not that I’ve actually ever _been_ on a date but I assume it would go something like this. “No it’s okay,” I took a deep breath, “I’m just not used to anyone asking about me… um, I’ve been doing this for about two years.” The minute I said two years I noticed the expression change on his face; at first his eyes bugged out a little but then they softened and he looked at me with these sad eyes. 

“Since you were sixteen then huh… hey, so since your only eighteen and can’t have alcohol what would you like to drink?”

“Coke is fine.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back.”

Kevin left the room to grab the drinks and I moved up the bed to sit against the headboard. I never had a client ask me about my job, or even how old I am. I know I look kind of young so I’m pretty sure they know I’m not in my 30’s or anything but I just assume that is what those clients are looking for, the thrill of having sex with someone younger, who knows. He came back in and handed me my coke and sat in front of me on the bed. 

Kevin cleared his throat and took a sip of his wine, “So… what got you into this, if you don’t mind me asking?” 

I took a huge gulp from my coke. More questions, he seemed genuinely interested in me and my line of work. “No I don’t mind.” I don’t see the harm in answering this guy’s questions, why not take my time today and start some conversation. I’ll never see this guy again and it was kind of nice having someone show an interest in my life. My body felt a little warm so I put down my drink to take off my jacket figuring they must have the heat turned up in the room. “I kinda grew up in a bad neighborhood and I wanted—no needed to get out of there. I tried looking for jobs but no one’s gonna hire someone like me. I went to my best friend for help and he not only took me in but his brother helped me get into this… so here I am.”

Kevin nodded, “Have you tried getting into anything else?”

My head snapped up, what did he mean by that? I had a hard enough time accepting the fact that this is what I do; I didn’t need this man degrading me further. “Didn’t I just tell you, no one will hire someone like _me_. Even if they did, it would be a shitty job and I probably would make close to nothing. I need enough money to start a life because I can’t depend on my best friend forever. You don’t think I wish I could do something else, that there is something else—“

Kevin put his hand on mine. “I’m sorry Jake, I didn’t mean to upset you. I didn’t mean it like that. You’re just so young and… you know, you shouldn’t say— I think you’re selling yourself a little short,“ He paused and squeezed my hand slightly, “maybe I can help you.”

I looked at Kevin’s hand lying on top of mine. I was kind of embarrassed by my outburst. “What, what do you mean—oh you mean. Yeah, well… that’s what I’m here for I guess.”

Kevin furrowed his brows. “No, I don’t mean paying you to have sex with me”, Kevin stated bluntly, “I mean I can help you with work. I’ve been lucky, I own a company and I’m sure I can find something for you.”

What the heck? This guy barely knows me, why would he want to help me? God, he must think I’m really pathetic. “I can’t let you do that, you don’t even know me.”

“It doesn’t matter, you need a job, and I need hel—”

“No! Look, let’s just drop this.”

Kevin was disappointed that this guy wouldn’t even consider his offer, but he figured maybe he brought it up too soon and it threw him off. Looking into his soft blue eyes he saw someone who looked so lost. Kevin was convinced that something drew him to this man and he wanted nothing more than to help him. “Ok Jake… Let’s see… tell me about yourself? 

I squirmed around a bit in my spot and looked around the room. I don’t know what to tell this guy about me. Maybe I should just make something up.

“Can I ask you something?”

I looked up and nodded. 

“Is your name really Jake?” 

Fuck! I know I was blushing, I could feel the heat burning my face. I was still not used to answering to the name Jake but I didn’t realize how obvious I was, great. “Um… not really, I don’t know why but I don’t like to give out my real name… When I’m doing this, it’s like a job and I kind of feel like I’m playing a part, so I like to give myself a different name… it’s stupid but it makes me feel a little better about what I’m doing.” I was hoping I wouldn’t regret opening up to this man but for whatever reason everything just kept pouring out of me. “When I’m not doing this, I’m Nick, and this world doesn’t exist when I’m Nick.” 

“Nick”

“Nickolas, but people usually call me Nick or Nicky,” I rolled my eyes. I always felt like a baby when people called me Nicky.

“Nicky, that’s cute, it suits you… you said your friend helped you out, you guys must be close?”

My eyes lit up just thinking about Brian, “Brian, he’s my best friend. I don’t know what I would do without him, and his brother.”

“That’s good, I’m glad you have someone who cares about you.”

“Yeah,” a thought suddenly occurred to me, “is your name really Kevin?”

Kevin laughed, “Yes _Nick_ , my name is really Kevin.”

I looked down, great once again I was blushing like an idiot. When I looked back up and stared into his eyes I felt something that I never felt with another client a tingle in the pit of my stomach. I could feel prickly goose bumps forming on my skin which made me shiver. I decided it was time to get back to business before things got any stranger. We stared at each other for a moment until I thought, oh what the hell. I reached out and cupped Kevin face and crashed my lips to his. 

I never kiss clients. I mean _never_. I’m not even sure why I did it. Everything is usually about sex, and kissing just takes things to a whole new level. Even in my “real” life the only person I’ve ever kissed was Brian—we were both really young at the time and I wanted to experiment. I was about thirteen and I told Brian that I thought I might be gay and wanted to kiss him to see how it felt. Being the perfect best friend that he is, Brian agreed to it. It was nice, I could definitely tell I liked kissing guys, but it was weird ‘cause Brian’s like my brother! 

That kiss was nothing like this. My whole body was on fire and my heart was beating so hard I felt like it was going to burst right out of my chest. His lips were so soft and smooth, while his stubble felt rough and prickly as it grazed my skin. I captured his bottom lip into my mouth and sucked on it gently while his hands got tighter around my waist and pulled me closer to his body. I took my hands from the side of his face to the back of his neck running my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck and Kevin moaned into the kiss. He swept his tongue across my lips and they naturally parted slightly allowing his tongue slip into my mouth. I felt my body tremble as he explored my mouth pressing against my tongue, and I could taste the lingering flavor of wine on his tongue from earlier. We kissed passionately for a few minutes until the need for air became apparent in my hazy mind, I slowly pulled back from his mouth and rested my forehead against his. I could feel his hot breath against my skin and the earthy scent of his cologne, I breathed in deeply letting it all consume me. I opened my eyes only to find his green eyes staring back at me. “Wow”, that was amazing. He chuckled. Did I say that out loud? I couldn’t even think straight. My mouth opened and closed as I tried to think of something else to say but gave up knowing it was useless, and I would probably end up saying something really dumb that I would later regret. 

Kevin was smiling and I could feel his hand caressing my back tenderly. I knew we couldn’t stay this way forever, I had a job I needed to do. With our eyes still connected, I moved one shaky hand from his neck down slowly to the waistband of his jeans and unhooked the button, but before I could reach the zipper I felt his hand cover mine. 

“You don’t have to do this.” He squeezed my hand slightly, his eyes filled with compassion.

“Yes I do… this is what I’m here for”

Kevin pulled away from me slightly and placed both hands on my knees, “No Nick, don’t worry about the money, I’ll give it to you, but I don’t want you to do this because you feel you need to. I’ve had a great time getting to know you and that was more than enough for me.”

I had no idea how to respond to that. He wanted to pay me for… nothing really, just conversation. I did like talking to him too but I knew I couldn’t take his money for doing nothing… could I? If this were any other situation, I would have been out the door—money in hand. But this was different, he was different. I’ve never had an experience like this with a client; I couldn’t just leave him with nothing. I almost felt a need to please him for taking an interest in me, for making me feel like more than just a guy who has sex for money. “I want to, just… let me please you, okay.” I usually hate giving blow jobs but after getting a taste of his mouth, and the unexpected reaction my body had to it, I was a little curious to taste more of him. 

I moved my hand away from Kevin’s to unzip his pants then tugged on the waistband, he lifted his hips and I slid them down to his knees. I hooked my thumbs on the waistband of his boxers and slowly slid them down as well. My heartbeat accelerated at the first glance of his cock. I looked at it to compare, I do it with every client—I can’t help it. I was an inch or so longer but he was a little thicker, definitely above average in size. I slid off the bed and got on my knees between his legs, I pushed his pants and boxers further down around his ankles and spread his legs a little wider. I gently caressed his thighs as I looked up to Kevin, he was leaning back slightly with both hands pressed flat against the bed. His breathing was already hitched as I could see the rise and fall of his chest with every breath he took. While continuing to caress Kevin’s inner thigh with my left hand, I wrapped the other around the base of Kevin’s cock.

I slowly stroked Kevin’s cock feeling it harden more in my hand. I leaned my head down and placed my lips around the head gently sucking the skin around the head, hearing Kevin’s moans of pleasure. His salty-sweet taste hit my senses and I sucked harder on the head until his taste dominated my mouth. Kevin was now fully erect and panting for air. I ran my tongue up the underside of his cock gliding my way back to the head, while my other hand found its way to Kevin’s balls to gently roll and massage them. I could taste the pre-come in my mouth and I shuddered at the bitter taste. I circled my lips around him and inched deeper and deeper stopping midway then sucked hard and used my other hand to stroke him in different directions, knowing how well most clients responded to the varying stimulation. The room was filled with the mixed sounds of panting and groans of pleasure from Kevin, and the slick slurping sound from me sucking his cock. I couldn’t believe how hard I was; I don’t usually get hard during blowjobs since I don’t particularly enjoy giving them, all these new feelings left me perplexed. I bobbed my head up and down his length a few more times then took my lips back to the head and swirled my tongue around.

“I’m… gonna come,” Kevin panted.

I took my lips off his cock and stroked him hard and fast with my hand until sprits of his warm come covered my hand. Damn, the man looked hot when he came. 

“That… was… amazing…”

I was rather pleased with myself, I could tell by the dopey grin on his face that he felt satisfied. “Well, I’m glad you enjoyed it, is there anything else I can do for you?” I got up to grab some tissues to wipe the come off of my hand and brought some over to Kevin. 

“I wouldn’t mind another kiss?”

My heart jumped. God, I wanted to kiss him again so bad… I’m not even sure why, but it just felt so exhilarating and different. “Well… that’s not exactly what I had in mind… I can do a lot more than kiss.”

Kevin shook his head and grabbed my arm pulling me towards him. He grabbed my face and kissed me softly, it was short and sweet. When he pulled back he gently stroked my cheek with his thumb. “When can I see you again?”

He wants to see me again? “Well you can ask for me—“

Kevin brought a finger up to my lips to cut me off, “No Nick, I mean outside of this. Just you.”

“I don’t think that’s a good—“

Kevin looked almost hurt, “Nick, if you’re not interested in me then tell me… look, I feel— I just want to get to know you better, take you out or something.”

I could hear my heart thumping in my ears. I can’t believe this man wants to get to know me. Why would someone like _Kevin_ want to get to know _me_? “Why?” I had to ask.

“Nick,” Kevin started smiling timidly, “I like you, I can’t explain it but sometimes you just feel something in your gut and… well mines telling me there’s something special about you. I’m not going to lie, you are beautiful but it’s more than that. I feel a weird connection to you,” He ran a hand through his hair. “I really hope I’m not freaking you out.”

Nope, what was freaking me out was how happy I was… but I knew that as good as it sounded there was no way I could get involved with someone doing what I do. “No, you’re not freaking me out, but I don’t know if that’s such a good idea…“ I looked down, “with what I do.” 

“Well I’m not going to lie, I wish you didn’t have to do this and would maybe consider something else but I’m not judging you for your reasons why.”

“I do want to stop. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and I know I can’t keep doing this. I just need to save a little more.” I didn’t know what to say anymore. I hated my job, of course, but there wasn’t a time I hated it more than at this moment. “Umm… maybe I should go”

Kevin thought he might be pushing too hard and freaking Nick out a little. “Okay Nick.” It occurred to Kevin that he was still naked so he grabbed his boxers and put them back on then went into his wallet. “Here, I want to give you my number, can I contact you?” 

I reached into my back pocket and took out a business card, “Yeah, here, if you want my services again you can give me a call.”

Kevin went back into his wallet to take out some cash, he really didn’t want to get into things again but felt the need to reassure Nick. “Nick I’m not going to call you for your _services_ I’m going to call you to talk to _you_ ,” he folded the cash in half and handed it to Nick.

I took the money and after getting a look snapped my head up eyes wide, “Whoa, that’s like, a _really_ big tip, I can’t take this.” 

Kevin looked pretty amused by my reaction, “Did I not tell you? That was the BEST blowjob of my life. I want you to have It, just take it please.”

I looked down at the money. I could really use the extra cash, “If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure. I do plan on calling you tomorrow. If you don’t want to go out, fine, but I don’t see anything wrong with talking on the phone”

I couldn’t refuse, “Okay, I guess we can talk.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Hey Nick, you look happy,” Brian said as I walked inside the apartment. 

I plopped myself on the couch next to Brian, leaning back with a long sigh, “I had the weirdest day.”

Brian’s eyes lit up, he sat up towards me, cupped his hands under his chin, elbows on knees and brought his face right next to mine, “Do tell.”

I giggled and pushed his face back, “Where do I begin…” I sat up on the couch, “I had this client, Kevin… and from the second I saw him I got these butterflies in my stomach, like a _really_ weird feeling, and that _never_ happens, Bri. So we got a room and instead of getting down to “business” he started asking me about myself, he actually wanted to know about me, ME! He didn’t even want to have SEX! But I felt bad so I knew I had to do something so I ended up giving him a pretty good blow job. I mean, I guess it was good ‘cause he came pretty fast, well, not _super_ fast but he did tell me it was the best blow—“

“Ahh, TMI Nick,” Brian said covering his ears, “I get it, it was good.”

I burst out laughing. I tend to over-share with Brian sometimes. “Sorry Bri, sometimes I don’t know when to stop myself.”

“Yeah, like most of the time,” Brian chuckled, “go on.”

“Well he just said he wanted to help me, with work and stuff and that he wanted to get to know me better… I don’t know what to do. I’ve never really gone on a date, never had a boyfriend. I mean, who would want to go out with me, with what I do,” with that thought I paused and sighed, “I should just forget about it. He just—man this sucks.”

Brian wrapped his arm around me and I rested my head on Brian’s shoulder, “Nick you undervalue yourself way too much, and I hate that. You’re such an amazing guy and you deserve to be happy. You should go on dates and have a boyfriend, you’re missing out on so much doing what you do… you know that’s one of the reasons my brother and most of his friends got out of it, it holds you back from living your life… sometimes…” He looked down and shook his head, “sometimes I wish I never brought you into that world… you’ve been through so much already, and I should have tried har—” 

I got up from Brian’s shoulder, “No Brian, I’m _so_ thankful for what you did. If it weren’t for you I would still be in that hell hole… sure, I hate doing this, but at least I’m with you. And I got some money saved up, so hopefully—no I _know_ I’m going to get out soon, I want to. Yeah, it does suck that I can’t have a boyfriend but maybe I’ll be able to soon. It’s just going to be weird dating someone who knows what I do, well hopefully it will be what I _did_ pretty soon. And well… even though I did tell Kevin I wasn’t ready to date anyone, he still told me he’d call me so we could talk on the phone and get to know each other. I guess that’s a good sign, right? Maybe things will work out after all.”

Brian smiled brightly, “That’s one of the many things I love about you Nick, with everything you have been through, you always look on the bright side of things…. eventually.”

“Meh, I might have learned a little bit of that from you,” I gave Brian a big old wet kiss on the cheek, “I love you man.”

Brian wiped his cheek with exaggeration, “Ugh, Oh God Nick, why do you always do that… I take everything I said all back!” He smiled and ruffled my hair, “I love you too, you bugger. All right, enough of this, let’s go out and shoot some hoops, what do ya say?”

I jumped up and started for the door, “You don’t have to ask me twice, let’s go!” 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

Over the next two months, Kevin and I talked on the phone steadily. I only talked to him when I was at the apartment, trying to separate my work life from my personal life the best I could.

We spent the time really getting to know each other, some of our likes, dislikes… the usual. I learned about his family and work life. Kevin’s father, Henry, owns an advertizing company which he inherited when his own father passed away; basically it’s a huge family business. Kevin’s older brother, Chris, runs business down in Chicago, while Kevin’s dad lives down in Kentucky with his mom, Katherine, although he spends a lot of time travelling for business. 

I was pretty vague with the details of my family, just letting him know the basics: I’m an only child, my dad died when I was three from a car accident, I grew up in a bad neighborhood, my mom and step-dad were pretty crappy parents, and I moved in with my best friend and his brother to get away from it all. He never asks about my work, which I was thankful for. I still felt really awkward about dating someone—well phone dating, while I’m still letting other guys have sex with me.

I was starting to really like Kevin, he was so easy to talk to. Sometimes I just laid on my bed listening to him telling me stories, getting lost in the sound of his deep voice. His voice was so sexy; he should really consider a job at a sex hot line on the side, that’s for sure!

He still asks me to go out for dinner or a movie and I have to keep reminding him of our deal—I’m not going out on dates until I’m done with this life. I keep waiting for Kevin to say, “Forget it, you’re not worth this,” but he hasn’t. I still have no idea how he is okay with it, but what I do know is that my time in this business is nearing its end. I can feel it. I just want more out of my life… talking to Kevin has opened up so many possibilities. I don’t know if there is a future with him, but I’d like to think I have something to look forward to. Just thinking about going on an actual date with him gets me all giddy. 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

While Kevin was okay with waiting for Nick to leave his job, he couldn’t stand not seeing his face for so long, especially ever since they started talking more and Nick seemed to have taken permanent residence in Kevin’s head. Talking on the phone was one thing, but being able to see that beautiful face in person was another. He didn’t know how long he would have to wait for Nick, so every so often, he would go to the street where Nick worked to catch a glimpse of him, without Nick knowing. He didn’t want to be creepy about it but he couldn’t think of another way of getting to see him without Nick finding out and getting angry, or worse, possibly scaring him off.

It was just another day for Kevin of waiting in line at his now regular coffee shop, hoping Nick would be working. He always hid himself in a small coffee shop across the street and would watch Nick through the window. He ordered his usual latte and took a seat by the window. 

He had been sitting for about ten minutes when he finally saw Nick. 

God, he was beautiful, Kevin thought. He kept watching until Nick was approached by a man. Kevin always left when Nick started talking to a guy. He had accepted that this is what Nick wanted to do for now, but it was still hard to watch. 

Kevin reached for his jacket to put on when the man Nick was with clamped his hand around Nick’s mouth and roughly dragged him to the back of the alley. 

Kevin dropped his jacket and ran out of the coffee shop. 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

I have never been so scared in my life. I tried to scream and get out of the man’s grasp with no luck. I wasn’t even sure anyone would hear my screams over the traffic and the drizzle of the rain.

“I found one of their whores,” the man slurred, “I told you it wouldn’t be hard… and this one looks easy to handle… fuck, they’re all easy on the eyes, huh.”

Two other men walked towards us, I kicked my legs and thrashed trying to get out of the man’s tight grasp. Pain radiated in my jaw and I fell to the ground hitting my head against the concrete. I was hit with such force I couldn’t even see straight. I cupped the side of my head where I hit the ground hoping to alleviate the pounding ache. This time I saw the fist right before it made contact with my face and propelled me onto my back. I could taste the salty-metallic taste of blood in my mouth and the warmth of it against my skin as it trickled out of my mouth.

“Let him go!” Kevin yelled panting for breath.

“Who the fuck are you,” One of the men yelled.

“Look I don’t want any trouble, just please let him go, please,” Kevin pleaded.

The man cackled, “What, do you know this guy or something?” He got right into Kevin’s face, “Well, you should have minded your own fuckin’ business!” He pulled out a gun from the waistband of his pants and shoved it in Kevin’s face. 

Kevin froze. He could tell the guy was high on something, his body was jittery while his eyes were dilated, wide and almost manic looking.

“That’s what I thought,” the man punched Kevin in the stomach and Kevin doubled over while the man howled with laughter, “He’s just going to be doing what he does best and now you get a front row seat to all the action, get on your knees… you make a sound or move a muscle and I’ll blow your fuckin’ head off.”

Kevin fell to his knees, he felt sick to his stomach, what could he do now? He knew he should have called for help before going into the alley, now it was too late.

My head was spinning and my vision was blurry, I could hear muffled voices around me and a pounding in my head. I felt myself being lifted and as my vision cleared I saw the faces of one of the men, his brown eyes blazing. His face was inches from mine, and the pungent smell of alcohol invaded my senses making me nauseous and light-headed.

“Fuck you, and all your motherfuckers,” He slurred, “This is for the other day asshole.”

My jacket was pulled off and thrown to the ground. I could feel my whole body shaking as they dragged me towards a small trash can and bent me over on my stomach. Oh god, this cannot be happening, this is not real. When I felt my pants being yanked down and the cool breeze on my bare skin, I knew this was real. I shut my eyes tight as tears streamed down my face.

“You start yelling for help and I’ll shoot you and your knight in shining armour.” 

I didn’t even get a change to process what he said when I felt excruciating pain radiate from my backside throughout my whole body. Any attempt to remain quiet went out the window as a sharp cry automatically left my lips beyond my control. The man in front of me slapped me across the face. 

“I told you to shut the fuck up!” 

I closed my eyes tight and bit my bottom lip hard to keep from screaming out in agony. The man continued to thrust his cock in and out of me, each thrust like a stab with a knife into my gut. I tried to take my mind to another place hoping to ease the pain and drown out the grunts and pants from the man—with no luck. There was a moment of solace when the man withdrew, his warm come spewing onto my back, only to have it taken away when another man forced his cock inside me again.

The first man took the second man’s place in front of my face, grabbed a fistful of my hair and lifted my head. He shoved his bare cock in my face and rubbed the head over my lips. I closed my eyes, I felt like I was going to throw up. 

“Did you like my dick? I want you to suck it back to life so I can go for round two. If you try anything crazy, I’ll give you so much pain you will be begging for death.” 

Kevin was on his knees sobbing, he felt helpless and sick as he watched the two men violate Nick. The third man hadn’t left his side and made sure he got a full view of everything. He watched as the man grabbed Nick’s hips in a death grip and rammed himself so hard into Nick that the man in front had to keep one hand on the trash can to keep them steady. The man violating Nick took his hands off of his hips and aggressively grabbed Nick’s ass cheeks, parting them. Kevin could see the blood seeping down from Nick’s hole. The look of pure misery and the tears streaming down Nick’s face broke his heart. Now the sick motherfucker wanted him to suck his dick while he was being raped; he was left powerless, incapable of doing anything to stop these men, he bowed his head in guilt and cried harder.

I could hardly breathe with the combination of my crying and the man’s cock being shoved into my mouth. I started to gag and cough from the deep thrusts, and the taste was absolutely nauseating. I felt a pressure in the pit of my stomach and before I knew it, I threw up. 

The man above me laughed, “Oh shit, was my dick too big for you? Don’t worry, you got it hard enough for another go.”

I thought it would never end as all three men had their way with me. Halfway through the third man, my head was spinning so much and I finally felt the sweet escape of darkness. I don’t know how long I was gone for, I was brought back to earth with someone slapping my ass and grunting loudly. Then I was grabbed by the back of my shirt and thrown on the hard concrete. 

“Thanks for the fuck,” One man yelled as he kicked me in the stomach. 

As I lay there on my side on the cool ground, I could see their footsteps disappear. It was over. I tried to get up to pull my pants up but I couldn’t find the strength to move. My head was pounding; every inch of my body was throbbing. I felt like I was on fire on the inside, yet I was so cold I couldn’t stop shaking. I heard footsteps from above my head. Oh god, please don’t let them be coming back. I panicked and started to move only to feel sharp pain shoot through my body. I felt a hand on my arm and I tried to scream with whatever energy I had left in me, it came out in the form of a whimper.

“Oh, Nicky it’s okay, it’s just me.” 

I looked up and saw Kevin, “Ke-kev?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Come here let me help you,” Kevin said as he knelt down and sat on his knees.

I didn’t know how Kevin got there and didn’t care, I was so happy to see his face. Kevin wrapped his arms around me and pulled me half on his lap. I couldn’t help the whimpers as he started to move me but he tried to put me at ease with his soothing words and soft touch. It felt nice to be wrapped in his warm arms. With one arm he reached down and struggled with pulling up my pants realizing I needed to get up.

“I’m gonna help you up, okay?”

I didn’t say anything, he had to basically lift me onto my feet and then he carefully lifted my pants and put them back around me, “Let’s get you out of here Nick, I don’t want to stay here in case those men decide to come back. Would you be okay coming to my place?”

“Okay,” I said in barely a whisper, I wasn’t even sure if he heard me until he started to move.

The drive to Kevin’s home was quiet. I faced the window, sitting on my side a bit to ease the stress on my underside. I was in such a daze, everything around me flashed by in a blur and seemed so surreal. I felt empty inside, like everything in me had been taken away. It was a familiar sensation and it brought back a multitude of unresolved feelings—the most prominent being feeling hopeless. I wasn’t sure why all these bad things kept happening to me, just that it was inevitable… they always happen to me and I have no way of controlling it. 

I didn’t want to think about it anymore. Maybe if I stop thinking about it, it will feel like it never happened… and that’s all I want.


	4. Chapter 4

Kevin looked over at Nick as they arrived to his home. He seemed so far off, as if in a trance. “Nick we’re here,” Kevin unbuckled Nick’s seat belt, got out of the car and went around to Nick’s side to help him out of the car. 

The journey inside Kevin’s home was slow. Kevin guided him straight into the closest bathroom to get him cleaned up, his clothes were filthy and he had dirt and dried blood all over him. 

“Nicky, let’s get you cleaned and into bed”

As Kevin looked into Nick’s eyes he assumed the younger man was probably in shock. He was just standing there emotionless and unmoving. Kevin helped Nick out of his clothes, when he pulled pull down his boxers he noticed the dried splotches of blood. Kevin looked up at Nick with sad eyes.

“Do you want me to go in the shower with you?”

Nick just stared at him. 

Kevin decided there was no use in asking Nick. He would not be able to wash himself, so he undressed himself. 

They made their way into the shower and Kevin warmed up the water. He grabbed a loofa and lathered soap on it. He noticed Nick’s shaking legs and grabbed his arms to place on his shoulders for support. Kevin gently washed the front of Nick’s body not missing a single spot. He glanced back at Nick’s face and noticed his face was scrunched up, looking full of pain. As much as it tore him apart to see Nick in pain, he was glad to see some sort of emotion on his face.

“Nick, baby am I hurting you?”

“Hurts.”

“What hurts?”

Nick just shook his head slightly and bit his lip. 

Kevin grazed the back of his fingers on Nick’s cheek as the realization hit him, “Oh Nick… should I not—I’ll be gentle.”

Nick nodded.

Kevin turned Nick around and had him place his hands on the wall for support. Kevin bent down and parted Nick’s cheeks slightly to take a look. 

Nick flinched and let out a whimper.

“I’m so sorry, I’m gonna wipe the area as gently as I can.” 

There was dry blood everywhere, all around Nick’s hole. He wiped the area and noticed what looked like a small tear in the skin. He shook his head cursing the men that did this to Nick. He cleaned the rest of Nicks back, shut off the water and wrapped him in a towel.

Once in the bedroom Kevin grabbed a pair of boxers and a t-shirt for himself and Nick. After helping him get changed, he laid him on his side again and pulled up the covers. Kevin gathered both of their clothes lying on the washroom floor and dumped them into a trash bag. He never wanted to lay eyes on those clothes again, and knew Nick would feel the same way. After he got rid of the clothes he got into bed beside Nick, both of them facing each other. 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

Kevin reached out to my forehead pulling back the strands of hair resting there. “Nick, I’m going to take you to the doctor tomorrow morning. You need to get tested and… I think there might be a small tear.”

I bit my lip trying not to cry. This is so humiliating, I can’t believe I have to go to the doctor and tell them what happened to me. It’s bad enough that Kevin knows. 

“God Nick, I wish there was something I could do… I don’t even know what to say.”

The look of pure pity on Kevin’s face made me lose it and completely fall apart. I felt myself being engulfed by warm, strong arms. I buried my face in the crook of Kevin’s neck and sobbed uncontrollably. I heard Kevin whisper and wetness on my shoulder but I didn’t want to move to see what it was as his soothing voice in my ear was too comforting.

“Shh Nicky, everything’s going to be all right, you’re safe now and I’m never going to let anybody hurt you again.”

Nick eventually cried himself to sleep. Kevin lay awake looking at him asleep in his arms. He couldn’t get the images of the men violating Nick out of his mind and he knew they would probably be forever ingrained in his head. He couldn’t even imagine what that was like for Nick and vowed to do anything he could to help Nick heal.

Nick woke up throughout the night haunted with nightmares. Each time Nick thrashed around, Kevin awoke to sooth him back to sleep. Needless to say, neither man had a restful night. 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

I blinked my eyes trying to get used to the bright light shining through the window; I stretched out but stopped when I felt a strong hold around my body. I froze, images of a man gripping my hips and pounding into me flooded my brain. I jerked up and pushed the person off of me with everything I had.

“Ow, fuck.”

I sat up on the bed shaking and gasping for breath, looking down at Kevin.

Kevin got up off the ground and looked over at me. He slowly approached me holding his hands up in front of him, “Nick, it’s just me, Kevin.”

Fuck, I can’t believe I just pushed him off the bed. I’m going crazy. “I-I’m sorry” Am I going to freak out every time someone holds me? God, I hope not.

“It’s okay,” Kevin got up on the bed and tried to wrap his arms around me.

I flinched and backed up on the bed, “I-I need a minute.”

“Sure.”

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, but all I saw were images: images of a man shoving his cock into my mouth and laughing at me as I threw up. I opened my eyes, Kevin was still standing there staring at me. I looked at him as I took deep breaths trying to slow my rapid heartbeat. 

“That’s good, take a few deep breaths.”

I finally calmed myself down after my morning freak-out. “I’m so sorry, are you okay?”

“I’ll live, certainly didn’t expect waking up that way.” 

I smiled.

Kevin felt a tug in his heart at the sight of Nick’s smile He hadn’t seen that beautiful smile since the ordeal. “Shall we get out of bed? I can make you some breakfast. What would you like?”

“Umm… I’m not really hungry”

Kevin frowned, “Okay, well we can wait a bit”

I shrugged.

“I’ll tell you what, how about you take your shower first while I make us some breakfast so by the time you’re done you can eat.”

I looked down at my lap, “I don’t have any clean clothes.”

“Well it’s a good thing I have excessive amounts of clean clothes then.” Kevin got up and grabbed a new pair of boxers, some jeans and a t-shirt and handed them to me. Then he walked into the washroom and came back handing me a brand-new toothbrush. He smiled and told me to come out whenever I was ready then was out the door. 

I walked into the bathroom and took off my shirt. I dropped it on the bathroom floor and looked up into the mirror. My eyes opened wide at the sight before me. I had cuts and bruises everywhere. There was a cut and bruise on my right temple, my left eye and jaw were bruised and puffy, and my stomach had a huge bruise along the left side. I reached down to touch it and winced, then noticed the cuts and scrapes all over my hands. I felt nauseas. I didn’t want to see anymore. I closed my eyes tight and turned around. I took a few deep breaths to calm down my racing heart and the tightness in my stomach. 

I went into the shower and turned the water hot. I took the wash cloth and scrubbed my skin as hard as I could handle. All I could feel was unwanted flesh against my skin, and inside my body. I scrubbed harder. I felt like I couldn’t get the feeling out of me, as though it was trapped inside me, and it was making me dizzy. I opened my mouth and scrubbed my tongue over and over, then moved back to my body. I started to have difficulty moving my arms back and forth, they felt heavy, my whole body felt heavy, and I was too weak to lift them let alone stand on my legs. I dropped to my knees just as the nauseous feeling in my stomach became unbearable and I threw up. The bile burned as it rose to the surface. I heaved and coughed while trying to breathe out of my nose. When it finally stopped I laid down on the hard ceramic tub exhausted from the exertion. I closed my eyes trying to get my head to stop spinning. After a while I sat up only to find a wave of dizziness course through me. I laid back down and sobbed. I am so useless, I can’t even get myself up. 

Kevin started to get worried after thirty minutes passed by with no sign of Nick. He decided to check on Nick. He still heard the water running and knocked on the door. “Nick, you okay in there?”

No response.

He turned the knob and poked his head inside, that’s when he heard the sobbing. He opened the door wide and walked in. He walked to the shower and pushed the shower curtains to the side. His breath caught in his throat at the sight before him. Nick was curled up in a small ball on the tub floor sobbing hysterically. He was shaking like a leaf even though the water pouring over him was scorching hot. 

I looked up at Kevin and the look on his face made me cry harder. I was so pathetic. He turned the water off and reached down for me, gathering me in his arms, naked and all. I was so humiliated. He carried me into the bedroom and laid me down on the bed. He walked away, coming back with two towels, wrapping one around me and using the other to dry my hair and other parts of my body. I couldn’t stop crying from being so helpless and needy. 

“Nick, please don’t cry anymore,” Kevin reached down and kissed me on my forehead, “I’m here for you… let me grab some clothes and get you changed.” 

He came back moments later with clothes and placed them on the side of the bed. 

“Can you sit up?”

He helped me to a sitting position and my head started to spin causing me to sway. 

“Whoa, okay lie back down baby.” 

I felt like a child as he changed me and kept my eyes closed from embarrassment. He put me in warm sweats and a sweatshirt. Once he was done I felt his hand on the side of my face and I opened my eyes.

“Don’t be ashamed, it’s okay… I care about you Nick, I just want to make you feel better.”

Oh man he was going to make me cry again. 

“Umm… would it be okay if I held you for a bit?”

I nodded. I was glad that I actually _wanted_ to feel his arms around me. He got into the bed beside me and wrapped his arms around me, we laid facing each other with our eyes locked on one another. He brought the back of his hand to my face and caressed my cheek.

“What happened in there?”

“I felt sick just looking at myself… I don’t really know what happened but I just started to feel dizzy and nauseas, and then… I-I couldn’t get back up.” I choked out the last word.

“Oh Nick, c'mere.” 

I held on to him tight as I tried to calm myself down again. “I’m so s-sorry, I’m such a baby I-I can’t s-stop crying.”

He pulled me back and grabbed the side of my face putting it directly in front of his, “Don’t you ever say you’re sorry, you have _nothing_ to be sorry for. And you are _not_ acting like a baby, got it?”

I nodded slightly as he wiped the tears on my face and then pulled me back into his arms. 

“Okay… time to get some food into you.”

“Not hungry.”

“You’re eating,” Kevin got out of bed and walked out of the room.

I thought he was never coming back and just as I started dozing off he returned. 

“So, I made breakfast but I figured that may be too much for your stomach to handle, so I made you some soup.”

“Not hungry.”

“I know you don’t _feel_ hungry but you need to eat something. Why do you think you’re feeling so dizzy?”

“But I’m nauseous” 

“This will help, I promise.”

Kevin helped me sit back on the bed and held the bowl in front of me as I slowly took a spoonful of soup. He tried feeding me but I was _not_ going to let him do that if I could help it. After about eight spoonfuls I started to feel a little nauseous and he told me to take a short break and lay back, then we started again. I didn’t know it was going to be such a process just to eat a bowl of soup. When I was done I was surprised that I actually _did_ feel better. I only ate the soup because he was basically forcing it down my throat; I thought for sure I would throw it all back up.

Kevin smirked, “You feel a little better, don’t you?” 

I felt my cheeks flush, “Yeah, okay you were right… I feel a _little_ better.” 

Kevin rolled his eyes, “I’m always right, just so you know.”

I smiled and shook my head at him. Kevin was so great and put me at such ease. I couldn’t help but feel grateful that he came into my life. He cares so much for me for whatever reason, and seems to take my mind off of everything that happened, even if only for a moment. Suddenly a thought popped into my head. 

“Hey Kevin, can I ask you something?”

Kevin placed the bowl on the side and faced me, “Anything.”

“How did you find me yesterday?”

Kevin sighed, ”I hope you don’t get mad but… okay, so you know how you said you didn’t want to hang out until you ended things at work?” I nodded. “Well I sort of couldn’t stand not seeing your face, so I would go down where I met you, hoping to see you there.” I watched as tears gathered in Kevin’s eyes. “I saw the man take you into the alley Nick, I ran over there without even thinking,” He looked down, “He pulled a gun to me, and I felt so helple—“

“You we’re there?” Kevin nodded, “The whole time?” He nodded again. 

I looked down and buried my face in my hands as I started crying again, “Oh god, you saw everything!” I can’t believe he saw everything those men did to me. 

“Oh Nick, I’m so sorry for what they did to you.” 

I felt him start to pull me into him and I pushed him away, “Please, don’t… you must think I’m… easy and—and weak!”

“I don’t at all baby, c'mere.” 

He reached out for me again and I shook my head and backed away. I didn’t realize how close to the edge of the bed I was and fell back off the bed.

I swear I blacked out for a second from the impact on my ass. 

Kevin was by my side in an instant looking down at me and rubbing his thumb on my forehead. “Are you okay?”

“I’m so humiliated,” I said softly

“Don’t feel that way Nick. I don’t think any less of you from what happened and you shouldn’t either. Those men had guns, and they were strong, there was nothing you could do,” Kevin looked away from me and shook his head, “If anyone should feel guilty it’s me, I should have called for help before I ran in there, I wasn’t thinking… I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, if you weren’t there… who knows what else would’ve happened to me.” I realized then that I wasn’t the only one affected by what happened. It was obvious Kevin was feeling a huge amount of guilt and I decided to stop pushing Kevin away and allow him to help me, maybe it would help him too. 

Kevin helped me get up off the floor and back on the bed. He was looking at me all serious and concerned.

“Nick, I think it’s time we go to the doctor.”

I shook my head vigorously, “No, no, no, I don’t want anyone else to know. I don’t need to go t—“

Kevin grabbed me by my shoulders, “Nick look at me, we cannot keep going around in circles. I’m not going to let you jeopardize your health right now. I know it’s going to be hard to go in there but you have to do it, baby. You need to get fixed up and checked out. You are not alone in this though. I know I can’t understand what you are feeling but I’m not going to let you go through it alone. 

I bit my lip and nodded. Once again he was right. 

When we got to the doctor’s office Kevin kept his promise, not leaving my side once. When the doctor asked me a question I was uncomfortable answering I just looked at Kevin and he took over. He held my hand while I got my stitches, and also when I got my test results. Thankfully the test results indicated I did not contract anything from the rape. And the tear wasn’t too bad either, the doctor said it should heal in about a week and a half and the stitches would dissolve on their own. After we left the doctor Kevin drove me home, he hugged me tight before letting me go and told me to call him if I needed anything. Where in the world did I find this man?


	5. Chapter 5

“Nick, where have you been!? Do you have any idea how worr—“ Brian’s eyes widened and he ran towards me, “Oh my god, what happened?!” He reached out and grazed the side of my face with a finger, “Your face, Nick, are you okay—well of course you’re not, look at you! Tell me what happened!?

“Brian, calm down will you, I’m fine.” I felt terrible lying to Brian, he’s not just my best friend, he’s like my brother. But I knew him very well; I knew what knowing would do to him. Brian can be very protective and paternal towards me, so I knew if he found out about the rape he would be devastated. When he found out about my destructive relationship with my parents, he was—well every emotion you could think of. He was so upset that I actually had to comfort _him_ because he was crying and felt so awful for not seeing anything and getting me out of there sooner. Then he was angry, he went from crying into my chest to yelling in my face asking me why I didn’t tell him sooner. He felt bad about it like five minutes later then started crying and hugging me again—he’s a freak but I love him. Anyways, I don’t want to put him through all that again. Yup, I know this is for the best. “I was with a client yesterday and he wanted to try something new, and well he accidently elbowed me in the face and then I kinda fell out of the thing—you know what you don’t wanna know,” I laughed trying to brush it off as nothing serious. 

“Oh no… well let’s put something on it, c’mon.”

We walked into the kitchen to grab ice for my face.

“Nick, why didn’t you come home? Where were you?”

“Uh… I went to Kevin’s.”

“Really!? You haven’t even known him for that long, Nick, what if something happened? I had no idea where you were. Why didn’t you call me? I was so worried.”

Crap. I can’t believe I didn’t think about calling Brian, knowing him he was probably worried sick. “I’m sorry Bri, I wasn’t thinking, I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Brian furrowed his brows and I could almost feel his eyes bore into mine, “I don’t get it, I thought you wanted to take things slow with him, what aren’t you telling me Nick?”

Oh god why did Brian have to know me so well. “I know what I said Bri, and we didn’t have sex, if that’s what you’re thinking. I just—we just talked and it got late, we lost track of time, and he just told me to spend the night… that’s it, nothing happened.” I tried my very best to sound convincing but I could tell Brian knew I was hiding something with the obvious expression on his face. He looked at me a bit longer then sighed and smiled, and I knew he was letting it go for now. 

“Well I’m glad things are going well with you two. I can’t believe my baby Nicky finally has a boyfriend,” Brian pinched my uninjured cheek, “When can I meet him?”

I slapped Brian’s hand away, “Oh shut it, first of all I’m not a baby, and second of all... never.”

“What, Why!?”

“Well you’re already embarrassing when he’s not even here, I don’t even want to _know_ what you’ll be like when he’s around.”

Brian tried to look shocked, “What! _Me_ ,” he said pointing his hands towards himself, “embarrass you, I would _never_ ,” we both laughed, “But seriously Nick, I will be on my best behavior, I just want to meet him.”

I was happy that Brian wanted to meet him so much. He must be able to tell how much I like him. “I want you to meet him too. I’ll talk to him and arrange something.” 

I sat down on the kitchen table wincing at the pain on my bottom, luckily Brian didn’t notice. “So, I decided something yesterday.”

Brian sat down on the chair across from me, “Mmhmm.”

“Well I’m ending it now, as in today, I don’t want to work _there_ anymore.”

Brian’s eyebrows shot up, “Really, wow, well I guess it makes sense if things are going well with Kevin, is that why or…”

“Yeah, I guess. I mean I was going to do it soon anyways and since things are going so well I thought why wait y’know?”

“Oh, I’m so happy, Nicky,” Brian got up and hugged me.

“Me too… well I’m gonna go take a nap, my heads really killing me,” I got up from the table and headed towards my room.

“Okay… hey, take the ice with you!”

I walked into my room and laid down gently on my side. I tried really hard not to think about the rape but of course it was all I could think about. I started reliving every moment in my mind over and over again. The worst was now I thought about Kevin watching me in such a vulnerable position. I started crying again. God, why is it that in one minute I think I’m okay and then a minute later I’m right back where I started. I had an overwhelming feeling that this is how it was going to be for the rest of my life. I knew it was probably true as there are still moments when I breakdown over things that happened years ago. I would never get past this. I laid there letting the dark images overtake me… there was no point in trying to get rid of them anymore, as they would forever be a part of me. 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

*phone ringing* *click*

*phone ringing* *click*

“Nicky, you gonna get out of bed?”

I shook my head.

*phone ringing* *click*

“Here Nicky, I made you a smoothie, you have to eat.”

*phone ringing* *click*

“God, Nick, this is—what’s going on? I haven’t seen you like this in years. You’re scaring me… talk to me, please.”

“Don’t wanna talk, Bri.”

*phone ringing* *click*

“Nicky… Kevin called while you were asleep, I told him you have the flu.”

“Don’t wanna talk.”

*phone ringing* *click*

“Nick, c’mon… you can’t just lie in bed.”

“Fine,” I got up and went to the bathroom, took a shower and went back to bed.

“That’s not what I meant, Nick… well you did need a shower pretty bad, Brian sighed, “Nick did something happen?”

“Don’t wanna talk.”

*phone ringing* *click*

“Nick, you are forcing me to feed you, you won’t eat, now open up!”

*phone ringing* *click*

“Nicky, it’s been over a week. You need to talk to me buddy… Nick?… Nicky? I know you hear me, don’t make me call a doctor.”

“No!”

“Talk to me then.”

“I just need time… don’t wanna think.”

Brian sighed.

*phone ringing* *click*

“Nicky—”

“Go away!”

*phone ringing* *click*

“All right Nick, time to eat.”

*phone ringing* *click*

“Nick, I think Kevin’s been calling, do you want me to talk to him?”

“No.”

*phone ringing* *click*

“Nick—“

“Go away!”

*phone ringing* *click*

Eat, shower, bed.

*phone ringing* *click* 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

I woke up to ringing and the sun shining bright through the window. What the hell is that sou—oh it’s the phone.

“Hello,” I croaked out

I heard a gasp on the line, “Nick, is that you, it’s Kevin.”

“Kev?”

“Yes, it’s me, oh my god Nick, how are you? I was so—I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for over two weeks.”

I shot up straight on the bed, only to lie right back down from a major head rush, “Two weeks?”

“Well pretty much, I talked to your friend and he told me you had the flu but I don’t know what kind of flu lasts this long and where you can’t even get on the phone… I was so worried,” he said softly, “are you okay?”

“Uh huh.”

“Nick, can I come over, or… maybe… do you want to come over here? I need to see you.”

“Umm… okay.”

“I’m on my way,” he said quickly and hung up.

I hung up the phone, got out of bed and headed for the shower. I can’t believe I was like that for over two weeks. I don’t really know where I go when I go into my “dark place”, it’s usually a blur. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me; it used to happen a lot when I was younger and I missed a lot of school because of it, never for two weeks though. I don’t even know how to describe what happens to me… I’m in my body, I can see things, hear things, and do things, I just don’t _want_ to do anything. I don’t want to move, don’t want to talk, don’t want to eat, I especially don’t want to think. 

When I first hung up the phone with Kevin I wasn’t sure if I was really ready to get out of the house and see him, but sometimes I just say things, or agree to things without really thinking first. Now after clearing my head for a bit I was kind of looking forward to it and I was glad I said yes. I was constantly ambivalent in which direction I wanted to go—sometimes wanting to curl up and go to my dark place, but other times wanting to just move on and be happy. I hated feeling so torn and helpless.

Brian ran up to me and engulfed me in a bone crushing hug as soon as I walked into the living room. Thankfully I wasn’t very sore anymore; I guess being in a trance for two weeks did some good. 

“Hey, Nicky, how you feelin’?”

“I’m okay,” Brian let me go and got me to sit down next to him on the couch. 

“I thought you were just sick with the flu or something at first but then I looked into your eyes and I recognized that _look_ … you went into that dark place, Nicky. I haven’t seen you like that in so long. Did something happen to bring that on?”

I couldn’t look Brian in the eyes when I lied, “No, you know… it just happens sometimes. I must have been thinking about something from back then or had a bad nightmare. I’m so sorry, Bri, I know how I get sometimes when I’m like that and I—“

“Hey, don’t be sorry. I’m glad you got out of it.”

“Me too. Oh, I’m going to Kevin’s today and I was thinking about spending the night there again since—oh shit, I need to call Drew to tell him I’m leaving. I haven’t even shown up, he’s probably so m—“

“Nick, calm down, I already took care of it. I talked to him and told him you’re done. Well, Howie did actually, but still, it’s done so don’t worry.’

I gave him a huge hug, I could always count on him, “Thanks, Bri.”

Brian smiled, “No problem, all right let’s get back to what’s really important,” He raised an eyebrow. “Are you telling me that now that you finally left that place you’re just going to run and sleep with him first chance you get?”

I laughed, “No Bri, it’s not like that. I just want to celebrate not working there anymore with him… it might go kinda late since I haven’t talked to him in over two weeks. And well… I’ve already spent the night there before so…”

Brian rolled his eyes, “Okay whatever, have your fun with him tonight, then tomorrow you can have fun with me,” He wiggled his brows at me.

I lightly smacked him on the back of the head, “Brian!”

He chuckled, “I mean celebrate Nicky! Jeez what a dirty mind you have. Oh by the way, he called while you were “out of it” and I didn’t know what to say so I told him you were sick with the flu.”

“I know Bri, thanks.”


	6. Chapter 6

I called Kevin to make sure it would be okay for me to spend the night and after he confirmed I packed myself an overnight bag. I wasn’t lying when I told Brian I wanted to celebrate with Kevin and spend time with him but I also felt guilty every time I was around Brian, having to lie to him. I honestly wanted to spend more than one night away but I wasn’t sure how Kevin would feel about that. Even though we had such an incredible connection, we haven’t known each other for that long. 

When Kevin picked me up I decided to cut right to the chase and ask him if it would be okay to maybe spend two nights with him. He laughed and told me I could stay as long as I wanted, I guess I was worried for nothing. 

When we got to his home Kevin told me to make myself at home while he took my bag up to the bedroom. I stood there for a second just taking it all in, I never realized how large and beautiful his house was. I have never been inside of a house this large before and I suddenly felt out of place wondering what the hell I was even doing there. Guys like Kevin don’t fall for guys like me, especially one that is beyond damaged. I felt the urge to just run and get the hell out of there. But before I could even give it a second thought, Kevin came into the room. 

He walked right in front of me beaming and captured me into a warm embrace, “I missed you.”

I closed my eyes and rested my head against his. Mmmm… I could get completely lost in him, he’s just so warm and he smells so good. Having his strong arms around me makes me feel so safe; I could actually feel all the tension in my body drift away. The skin on his cheeks had a bit of stubble and I rubbed mine against it, I just wanted to feel him, I wonder what it tastes like… Ok, jeez Nick, calm down a little. Damn, this man is intoxicating; he has the power to turn me into complete mush. I opened my eyes so I could calm down and not accidentally bite him or something. 

I can’t let myself get carried away. I don’t even know what’s going on between the two of us. What if he gets to know me and realizes just how unworthy I am. I’m such a damaged person; I don’t understand how he, let alone anyone, would want to be with me. Am I in over my head? I had a sinking feeling in my chest, what if he regrets this? I shook my head a little, I need to stop thinking before I curl up in a ball and cry like a baby, he definitely doesn’t need to see _that_ again. 

Kevin pulled back from the hug and looked at me. He was staring at me so intensely I started to squirm and play with the hem of my shirt, a nervous habit I have.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?”

Clearly I really need to get it together… I should just enjoy this time with Kevin before he gets sick of me and moves on. “Nothing… so, what do you want to do?”

“Well I have lots to do in the house, we could go for a swim, play some pool, shoot some hoops, anything you want. I do have to leave for a bit to go to my office, something came up that I have to take care of. I hope that’s okay… I tried to see if I could get someone else to take care of it but I really need to deal with it myself, I won’t be gone long. While I’m gone you can make yourself at home, I have a library upstairs, you can read a book, take a nice bath, or do any of the other things I mentioned…”

I was amused with Kevin’s rambling, he was so freakin’ cute sometimes, “It’s no problem, I’m sure I’ll find something to do. When do you have to leave?”

He looked at his watch, “About forty minutes. Let me give you a tour in that time, that way you know where everything is and don’t get lost while I’m gone.”

I turned my head and looked around, “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea, this place is huge.”

The tour took the entire forty minutes. Even with the tour, I’m still afraid I might get lost while Kevin’s gone. 

I figured I might as well take Kevin’s advice and read a book while taking a nice, long bath. I started the water in the huge ass tub knowing it will take a while to fill then made my way into the small library/office to find a book. There are _way_ too many books here. How am I going to pick one…? I know what I must do… Eeny, meeny, miny, moe; catch a tiger by the toe; if he hollers, let him go; eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Ok let’s see… Steven King, oh no! I am not reading a horror book!, Next book over… Fever Pitch. Ooh, football story, score!

As I made my way out of the room I noticed a bunch of pictures around Kevin’s desk, and I stopped to take a look. There was one picture of a very young Kevin with a man and a woman, who I assume are his parents, he looked so adorable and happy. The picture next to it was of Kevin and a guy, both of them in a football uniform, probably from high school. I moved further down the desk and a picture caught my eye; it was of Kevin and the same guy but it looked more recent. They were both smiling and looking towards one another. They look so happy, it definitely looks like they were lovers, the way their arms are wrapped around each other’s waist; he must be an old boyfriend. I couldn’t stop staring at this guy and how perfect he looked with Kevin, not really his face but more so the way he presents himself. I know it’s hard to read someone in a picture but this guy looks confident, wealthy, and basically just well put together. He looks like the total opposite of me; I’ll never be able to afford a suit, let alone a simple tie. This is the type of guy that is meant to be with Kevin, and I’m sure the type of guy he will end up with eventually. I started to feel a familiar pulsing ache in my chest… what in the world is Kevin doing with me?

The picture started to blur as tears formed in my eyes. I dropped the book on the ground and made my way into the bathroom. I stopped the water and took the plug out, losing my desire to relax in a bath. I turned around and came face to face with my reflection. I looked at myself and completely fell apart. What am I even doing here? Being here seems so pointless to me now… I have no real future with Kevin. I hardly think I have a future in general, if I do, I can’t seem to think of what it is… There’s nothing that I have to offer, not only to Kevin, but in life. I literally have no purpose in life. Nothing… God, I just feel empty inside. I started to rub my chest, the combination of the ache and my sobbing was making it hard to breathe. I looked back at myself and just felt the need to do something, anything to get rid of the emptiness inside. I honestly felt like punching a wall or pulling my hair out, I was so frustrated… Maybe I should chop my hair off, this blonde mop of hair that I’ve had since I was a kid… That’s it, I’m doing it. I looked through the cabinet for a pair of scissors. When I finally found some I looked up at myself again. I didn’t waste second, grabbing chunks of my hair and chopping it off. I was crying so hard now that I couldn’t even see what I was doing anymore. I dropped the scissors and wiped my eyes not feeling any better, in fact, I felt worse. I don’t know what I thought I would feel after doing it, I should’ve known that nothing I can do will get rid of the hollow feeling, nothing will get rid of the ache in my heart. I caught a glimpse of something in the cabinet that piqued my interest. I opened it and looked at the array of pills… It could take away the feeling… It’s the only thing to get rid of the feeling. Maybe this is how it was supposed to be, no more pain, no more nightmares, no more emptiness, a way out of all the misery. I took a moment to collect myself a little and then looked through the pills. I couldn’t understand much but I assumed anything in prescription bottles must be strong. I grabbed three different pill bottles and emptied them all into my hand. Okay, I need water and a glass. I made my way into the office as I recalled seeing a water dispenser with cups in the room. 

I found a glass and poured myself a full glass of water. I grabbed the picture of Kevin and the guy, crouched down to the ground and stared at all the pills in my hand. My sobbing had taken a whole new level where I was starting to shake uncontrollably. I looked over at the picture… I wish I could be that man in the picture, making Kevin happy. I know I have to just get this over with but I’m so scared. What if it hurts? I don’t want to feel any more pain... but if I do this, it will only be a momentary pain and then all my pain will be gone forever. At that thought, I took about half the pills, shoved them into my mouth and swallowed them with the water. They were so hard to swallow, I probably should have put less in my mouth. I was drinking the water so fast that I felt some drip out of the side of my mouth and onto my shirt. Just as I was about to take the other half of the pills the door opened. I was so startled I dropped the water and some of the pills from my hand. I stared at Kevin with wide eyes. He looked at my face then down at the floor. He ran towards me, fell to the ground and grabbed my hand trying to pry them open.

“Open your hand Nick!” 

I finally give up my struggle and opened my hand. He looked at all the pills in my hand and knocked them to the ground then looked into my eyes. 

“Did you take any?” I stared at the pills scattered on the floor, “Did you?” 

I looked up to his face, it was filled with so much concern. I couldn’t say anything so I just started bawling. 

Kevin wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me roughly against him with my back to his chest then shoved a finger into my mouth. I started to gag and my nose was so stuffed from crying I could hardly breathe. I hooked my hands around his arm and tried to pull his hand out of my mouth but he gripped me harder and placed my head right under his neck. His fingers moved further down my throat and that’s when I felt that familiar feeling. I threw up, a bit on myself, and then Kevin turned me over on my stomach over his legs as I continued to throw up. I felt his hand rubbing circles on my back as my stomach muscles clenched over and over. Once I was done I was shaking all over, Kevin had me in a death grip and I could hear him sobbing softly above me. I don’t know how long we stayed that way until he turned me over and looked at me. He reached up to the desk above us for something and then I felt him wiping my mouth and chin. 

“Why would you do that? How could you do that to me? Kevin looked like a mixture of angry and sad, “Don’t you EVER fuckin do something like that again!” I flinched at his tone and he shook his head, “Let’s get cleaned up.”

Kevin helped me up and we started out the room. He stopped for a moment and I looked back seeing him looking back at the ground. Man, I made a mess of his floor, add that to my humiliation list. We made our way into the bathroom, when we got in Kevin looked at the ground at all the pieces of my hair. He didn’t stop or even look at me, just kept walking and turned on the water for the bathtub. He started to undress and told me to do the same, and so I did. 

I made my way over to the tub and got in, just as I was starting to settle back Kevin came up behind me and leaned back pulling me back against his chest. I could feel every inch of him behind me. Kevin brought his arms around my waist and started rubbing my stomach up to my chest. 

“I’m sorry I yelled at you baby,” Kevin said softly, “tell me what happened.” 

I started crying again and Kevin ran a hand through my chopped up hair, “I-I dun-no, I j-just-t loo-ked at-t m-myself a-and want-ted—“

“Shhh… take a deep breath for me, it’s okay.”

I knew I had to calm myself down. I didn’t think I had any tears left in me but apparently I had a full supply. I took some deep breaths and tried to lie there and relax. I knew I had to explain things to Kevin. 

After a long ten minutes I finally felt calm enough to continue. 

“I don’t think I wanted to, or want to die,” I felt Kevin jump a little in surprise when I finally spoke. I had switched positions so I was lying on my side between his legs with my head by his heart. He was continually rubbing gently down my arm, back and head, and it definitely helped keep me calm, “I just wanted the hurt to stop… and with everything that’s happened before, I knew it would never stop. It doesn’t go away.”

“Baby, it takes time, it hasn’t been very long”

I shook my head slightly. “No, I don’t just mean… the rape… there’s things from so long ago and they’re still there,” a few tears rolled down, “they still haunt me.” There were only two people that knew about what happened to me when I was younger, Brian and Howie, and even they didn’t know the whole story. As I was lying there trying to calm myself down I kept debating whether or not I wanted to tell Kevin what happened. He had just seen me at my absolute worst and didn’t run away screaming. Sharing such a huge part of me is such a big step in our relationship, but as I laid there in Kevin’s arms I realized that there was not another person I felt safer with. Every time I’m with Kevin the pain becomes more bearable, he calms me, cares for me, and I just wanted to let him in… needed to let him in. 

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

I nodded. He noticed I was shaking a bit and thought we should get out of the bath that was considerably cooler than before. He brought us both warm cotton robes and then we both got under the bed covers and sat In the same position we had in the tub only I brought my knees up so I was curled right against Kevin with his arms wrapped around me.

“Whenever you’re ready, baby.“

“I’m ready. I just… I can’t look at you when I tell you, okay?” I knew this was going to be hard to talk about and I didn’t want to look at him when I told him… I couldn’t.

“Whatever makes it easier for you.”

I took a deep breath, “My mom and step-dad used to abuse me... I swear I think my mom just hated me, hated me for being born, being a nuisance to her, I dunno, but she always found something to yell at me about… and then beat me for it. She used to slap me or whip me whenever I got out of line, like if I forgot to do the dishes or just ate too much food—we didn’t have a lot of money. She met my step-dad when I was around eleven and she basically told him to take over punishing me ‘cause she didn’t want to deal with it anymore. In the beginning, he would just smack me and whip me from time to time, then he decided to… make a “punish room”. Anytime he wanted to punish me, he would lock me in this one small room. I think it used to be my dad’s office or something. It was so small… and dark ‘cause he covered up the one window,” I swallowed hard, “He used to tie me on a chair, beat me and leave me there.” 

I felt Kevin hold me tighter, “The beatings weren’t the worst part, it was painful but I got kind of used to it… and they never hit me on my face, I guess so I still looked normal or whatever for school. But being in that room, that dark room, tied to that chair… was hell. Beatings were more instant, there were a few times when he beat me for a longer time but usually it wasn’t that long. So I would get them and then it was over, but the room… I had to sit there for hours and hours, no way to move, nothing to eat… nothing to do but sit there with my thoughts. I hated that room so much.” I had to stop again to take a deep breath. I kept feeling the tightness in my chest and I didn’t want to breakdown and cry now. I just wanted to get it all out.

“Things got worse when I was around thirteen,” I closed my eyes, “My step-dad started… touching me,” I heard Kevin take a sharp intake of breath and stiffen. This was a secret I never told anyone, not even Brian. I was so ashamed about it, and wondered what he would think of me. I went through a long period of time blaming myself, thinking maybe I let this happen somehow and I was so afraid Brian would be disgusted and think that too. It took me a long time to get over that feeling but I could still never bring it up to him. 

“The first time he did it, he just… he touched me down there through my clothes, I was so shocked I just—I pushed his hand away. He got really mad and slapped me in the face and asked me if I rather go into the “punish room”. I let him touch me that day. The next time he did it, I pushed him away again and he… he dragged me into the room, tied me up and left me there all day. I never pushed him away again. Eventually he would get me to take my clothes off, and he would rub my—touch me down there.” My chest was feeling tighter and my throat was so dry, the only thing keeping me going at this point was Kevin’s soothing hands caressing my arms and back. 

“He always did it when my mom was at work and I was—I thought about telling her, but I knew how much she hated me and I was afraid of how mad he would get if he found out I told her… One day he decided he wanted to do more, so he… um… used his finger… and put it in me, he moved it in and out for a little while, then took them out… after a while he would get me to touch him… he would get me to jerk him off. The worst was when…” I shut my eyes tight “h-he got me… t-to s-suck it,” I choked out the last bit and couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. 

“Oh Nick.” 

I couldn’t even say anymore, so I just turned my face into his chest and cried. Kevin held me tight and placed his head against the side of my face and whispered soothing words into my ear as he continued to rub my back.


	7. Chapter 7

I must have dozed off because the next thing I know I’m lying down on the bed curled up next to Kevin. I looked up to his face and found him staring right back at me. 

He smiled, “Hi… how was your nap?”

“Okay… what time is it? How long was I out?”

“It’s around 4’oclock, you were asleep for about an hour.”

“Oh… I’m sorry about losing it earlier, I was trying so hard not to cry, but I couldn’t help it.”

He moved down so we were at eye level, lying face to face, “Nick, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. I’m so glad that you even trust me enough to open up like that. I can’t even… I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to relive that nightmare. I’ve been up this whole hour looking at you trying to think of what to say to you, and I just…” He brought his hand up to the side of my face and rubbed his thumb against my temple, “God, I’m so sorry that you had to go through that… there are no words because I can’t even—I wish there was a way for me to take away all your pain. I want to find those assholes and fuckin kill them for what they did to you,” He swallowed hard, “but I know that’s not going to change anything… there is no way to change what happened, but you can change how you let it affect you. Don’t ever blame yourself, it will eat you up inside. You did nothing wrong baby… there are monsters in this world and sometimes the best of people get mixed up with them. You need to stop putting yourself down Nick, you are not weak, in fact, you are the strongest person I know. Going through this alone must have been awful, but you did, each day you got out of bed and lived your life… sure you’ve had a few setbacks but no one can fault you for that. You are so strong, stronger than you think for making it to where you are right now and I admire that.”

I could feel the wetness on my cheeks from the impact of his words to my heart and Kevin gently wiped them away with his fingers. I didn’t even know what to say to that. 

“I’m so glad you got out of there—well wait, how did you get out of there?”

“I thought about running away so many times but I had no idea where to go. It was Brian who saved me… I was over at his place and we were playing with water guns outside, my shirt got soaked and he let me borrow one to change into. Well, I wasn’t thinking and forgot that I probably had a bunch of red marks on my back from the day before and just started changing in front of him. When I turned my back to grab his shirt from the bed I heard him gasp and I quickly turned back around, but it was too late… I’ll never forget the look on his face when I told him, we both cried and he told me he was never going to let me go back there… The last time I went into my house was a few days later when we snuck in to grab some of my things, but that was it and I never looked back. I haven’t seen my mom or step-dad since.”

“He seems like an amazing person, I’m glad you have him in your life.”

“Me too, I am so thankful I have Brian in my life. I don’t know—I don’t even want to think about where I would be right now if it weren’t for him…”

“So, he took you in when you were how old?” 

“Well, I was—you know, I might as well tell you the whole story. I was fifteen when I finally got out of there and moved in with Brian and his brother, well half-brother, they have the same mom. When I was sixteen, Howie asked me if I would mind maybe looking for a job to contribute a little… he reminded me that it was still my home no matter what and he would never kick me out, but that he was having trouble with the bills. Brian’s hours at the restaurant he worked at cut his hours, and Howie was working less to take a business course to get him out of his current job. I felt so bad… I tried looking for somewhere to work for months, but people took one look at “16 year old” me and turned me down. I asked Brian if I could help out at the restaurant he worked at but they were already overstaffed and cutting his hours. I went to Howie after that, asking what he did, and if I could help out. Well that was when Howie told me he worked for an “escort” service called Gentleman’s Pleasure Palace—which made me laugh for a good five minutes,” Kevin chuckled, “And then he told me what they do there, how they have sex with clients on the “down-low” and where people go to fulfill their fantasies and stuff. I could tell he was just waiting for me to freak out about it but I didn’t really have any reaction to it. And it wasn’t until he told me how much money he makes that my interest piqued. He said their clients were pretty high class so on top of all the money you make, the tips were usually really good… the only crappy part was working in the streets since it was more risky, I hated working the streets. They were working to gradually cut it out when they had a better clientele, but that was the best way for them to find new clients. Anyways, after he was done telling me about it I told him I wanted to work there, he didn’t think it was a good idea since I was so young, and kept saying he never should have told me what he did. Eventually I convinced him to at least take me there to see if I could even _get_ the job, and when he took me to meet Drew, the owner, I got hired on the spot. Drew told me they would need to be extra careful with me since I was so young but they would start me off slow, with no sex… Brian was absolutely furious, he yelled at me and told me there was no way he was letting me do it, and he didn’t talk to Howie for a whole month! I told him it wasn’t Howie’s fault, that I basically begged him to let me work there, and I wasn’t going to have sex with any clients for at least a year. After a while, he kinda realized there was no way he was going to stop me from doing it, but begged me to be careful and keep looking for another job,” I took a deep breath and sighed, “and there’s my life story for ya”

Kevin stroked my back and moved a little closer, if that was even possible… he was so close I could feel a hint of his breath on my skin. “Thank God you’re done with that place”

“You must think I’m a freak… I have all this fucked up stuff happen to me as a kid and then I end up working at a place where I have sex with a bunch of guys.” 

“Not at all, I don’t know a lot about this but I know that kids who are molested deal with things in different ways, some can be confused about sex and look at it in a different way… in fact it makes perfect sense to me.”

I never really thought about that, I just thought I was some sort of freak. I should hate everything about sex, not have a job that completely revolves around it. I guess anything sexual wasn’t really about getting pleasure for me. I’ve never had a really pleasurable sexual experience… I’ve never even gotten a blow job before. I know most of my clients, and probably guys in general are sex crazy horn dogs, but I’m not. I don’t think that’s normal… well, then again I don’t think I’m all that normal, so I guess it makes sense.

“What are you thinking about Nick?”

I snapped back to reality, “Huh, oh, I was just thinking y’know… everyone says sex is so great and you get so much pleasure from it but, I was just thinking that I don’t feel that way. I’ve had sex so many times and, it’s no big deal really,” I shrugged, “it’s not that great.”

Kevin cupped the side of my face and rubbed his thumb against my cheek, “You haven’t had the right experience baby… I’ll show you.” 

I rolled my eyes. Good luck changing my mind Kevin, “Sure, whatever.”

“Nick, I wanted to ask you something about earlier… when you were in my office, taking the pills, you had that picture with you on the floor,” I blushed and looked away, “Tell me what’s going on in there,” He lightly tapped me on the head.

“Uh… well ok, I saw the picture and I don’t know if he was like a past boyfriend or something, but I just saw how happy you were with him, and how I can never be anything like that guy… I didn’t feel good enough, and I just wished I could be him… be the kind of guy to make you happy.”

“First of all, not counting earlier today, you do make me happy, really happy. And yes, he was my first boyfriend… his name was Andrew, we went to high school together, and he was my best friend. About a year after high school, I realized something, I wasn’t really in love with him, I loved him like a best friend should but… I wasn’t _in_ love with him. I broke up with him but told him I still wanted to stay friends with him. I thought he was okay with it but as time went on, he would get really jealous and upset with me when I would go on dates with other guys,” He paused and sighed, “Long story short, Nick, he killed himself,” I gasped, “and I was the one who found him in my old apartment. He wrote me a long letter telling me that he couldn’t love anyone more than he loved me and that he could never _just_ be friends,” He rubbed my cheek, “I think that’s why I got angrier than I would have liked at you earlier… It took me a long time to move on from that. I do still think about him all the time but… what eats me up the most Nick, is how soon he gave up. I know he could have found someone else, we were never right for each other, but he never gave anyone a chance… and just gave up. It breaks my heart thinking about that.”

I felt so horrible for making him relive all that earlier, “Kev, I’m so sorry about earlier, I—”

“It’s okay, you’re here and that’s all that matters to me.”

“I’m so sorry about Andrew.”

“We all have our demons, Nick. It’s how we chose to deal with them, and whether or not we accept that not only will it take time to heal, but that some of them will be with us forever… but I really do believe that you will get through this, Nick, and that you can be happy.”

I thought about that, I wanted nothing more than to be happy… I felt pretty good at the moment but, I usually do feel that way when I’m with Kevin. And I certainly can’t be with him 24/7. I know I have to find a way to deal with the pain, especially when I’m alone… when I’m alone I tend to get into my head too much and over think things—never a good thing. 

“Promise me something,” I nodded, “Promise me you will _never_ do what you did earlier, and if you do ever get to a point where you feel that is your only option, that you come to me, or anyone… just, please.”

“I promise,” I smiled and looked into his beautiful green eyes, they were so captivating. Every time he looked into my eyes I felt like he was looking deep into my soul… I could lose myself in his eyes and just stare at him forever. I swallowed hard and looked at his lips. It felt like forever ago when we kissed in that hotel room, my first kiss —well my first heated-all-consuming-mind-blowing kiss. I wanted to feel that again… I looked back up to Kevin’s eyes wondering what he would do if I pressed my lips against his. 

My stomach decided to break the lovely moment I was having in my head by growling. Great. 

Kevin laughed and pulled away from my arms, sitting up, “Maybe we should get out of bed and eat.”

I pouted, “Too lazy, got no strength.”

Kevin rolled his eyes, “All right, we can—well _you_ can be lazy and I’ll go get food. How about you pick out a couple of movies though, that way we can spend all day here.”

“Yes, that is just perfect.”

Kevin went into the kitchen to make some food while I ran into the bathroom to quickly brush my teeth. Yup, it occurred to me that I probably had the worst breath in the world right now after the lovely puking fit I had earlier. I thanked the heavens for my hunger breaking the moment that most likely would have led to me attacking Kevin’s mouth, that would have been really embarrassing. After brushing my teeth for five minutes, swishing around mouthwash for another five I felt good to go, and also a bit sore. I might have overdone it, but images of kissing Kevin kept flooding my mind and I lost sight of what I was doing, he tends to do that to me. All right, time to pick out some movies…

Kevin walked back into the room with the food and stopped in front of the bed, “Umm... how many movies do you plan on watching?”

I had the bed covered with movies.

I looked up at him, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t pick just _one_. You have so many and I don’t... I haven’t watched many movies… there’s just so many I want to watch.”

Kevin placed the food tray on the side and crouched down so we were face to face. He licked his lips and leaned forward. I froze when I felt his soft lips against mine and closed my eyes. It was brief, almost like it didn’t happen, but the slight wetness that lingered on my lips let me know it did. I opened my eyes slowly and saw Kevin looking at me with a smirk on his face. What a tease, he clearly knows how much I want to kiss him. 

“We’ll get through them all eventually baby, I promise. Just pick a couple for today.”

I licked my lips savoring what was left of the kiss, “Okay, um... what kind of movie do you wanna watch?”

Kevin shrugged, “Anything.”

Anything, anything. Argh! There were so many! “OOH!” Kevin actually jumped and I burst out laughing, “Sorry, The Godfather, I absolutely have to watch that!”

Kevin chuckled, “Yes, that is a must. I love how excited you are, you’re so adorable,” he kissed my nose and I scrunched up my face.

“Cute, adorable, that’s all anyone says about me, why can’t I be hot or sexy like you?” I pouted.

“Oh you are very much those things, a hot, sexy, beautiful, lovable man with current crazy hair.”

My eyes went wide; I had completely forgotten about my hair… I must have looked really funny ‘cause Kevin burst out laughing.

“You’re face was priceless, but seriously for going crazy with your hair, it actually looks pretty good. There are some longer strands right here in the back that need to be cut. But I think maybe you could become a hairdresser.”

I snorted, “Yeah, right, that is not going to happen. I can’t believe I forgot about my hair. Are you sure it’s okay?”

“Yes, it’s fine… I can fix it for you later. I didn’t even get a chance to ask you why you cut it.”

“I’ve just always had the same hair… I wanted to see something different when I looked in the mirror, I dunno, it was dumb,” I shrugged.

“I don’t think so, change is good. I like it shorter and messy like that, it’s sexy.”

I blushed and looked down, “Umm… so The Godfather then?”

“Yup, I’ll go put it in. _You_ clear off this bed so I have somewhere to sit, and we have somewhere to eat.”

I looked around at the mess I made… yup, I got a little carried away, “Okay.”

Once I got the bed cleared we got settled into bed and I looked at all the food Kevin prepared. There was creamy chicken pasta with a salad, and a slice of chocolate cake for dessert. “Did you just make all this?”

“Yeah, well I had the pasta sauce already made, so I just had to cook the pasta noodles. I made the cake two days ago… I hope it still takes good.”

“Wow, gotta love a man who can cook, you can even bake! And I’m sure the cake is fine, it’s cake, it’s gotta be good.”

Kevin grinned, “So I know you’re only eighteen but with everything that’s happened today, I thought we could both enjoy a nice glass of wine.”

“Brian’s given me alcohol before, Kevin, it’s no big deal… I should warn you though I am a lightweight, one of these and I might be jumping off the walls. I’ve never had wine before though.”

“Well I hope you like it, and you’re only getting one glass so enjoy it.”

We watched the movie and enjoyed the food, by the time I was done my food I was feeling pretty content, the food was incredible. And with my best puppy dog eyes and pout I convinced Kevin to give me a second glass of wine, which had me feeling light and only slightly off-balance. All in all, I was feeling pretty good.

I leaned back on my side of the bed to get a little more comfortable and noticed Kevin did the same. After a moment he reached over and took a hold of my hand and entwined our fingers together. Something about that small gesture made my heart melt to mush, I looked to my side towards Kevin and he looked back at me and the burning desire came over my body again. I moved closer to his side, reached my hand to the back of his neck and pressed our lips together. 

He responded immediately bringing his arms around my waist and pulling me closer. Just like our last kiss, Kevin took it a step further by flicking his tongue across my lips and I opened my mouth. I moaned when his tongue entered, tasting every inch of my mouth. My hands went up into his hair and I hooked my leg over his hips wanting him closer, wanting to taste more of him. Just as I started to enter his mouth with my tongue he pulled back.

“Baby, are you drunk?”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “No, are you?”

He smiled, “No, I just want to make sure, I don’t want you to regret anything later.”

“I won’t,” I pounced on him, attempting to push him on his back and climb on top of him but instead ended up pushing him right over the edge of the bed. 

“Oomph,” Kevin poked his head up, “Okay Nick, do you like pushing me off the bed? Is this something I should get used to…? I think I need to buy a bigger bed.” 

I couldn’t even answer Kevin as I was doubled over on the bed laughing uncontrollably. 

Kevin got back on the bed and crawled on top of me straddling my legs, “Are you sure you’re not drunk?”

I needed a second to control myself before I could answer, “I swear I’m not. I’m sorry, that is not what I was trying to do.”

I grabbed his arms and pushed him on his back then crashed my lips to his. I sucked on his bottom lip and finally slid my tongue into his sweet mouth. I swirled my tongue around his a few times then started sucking on it while slowly inching one hand lower to untie his robe. I opened it up giving me access to his cock but before I could bring my hand to its destination, Kevin rolled us over so he was on top of me. Jeez, why is he so difficult? 

Kevin broke the kiss and brushed his lips against mine, “Tonight is all about you.”

“Huh?”

He just gave me a quick peck on the lips, sat up, untied my robe and opened it up revealing myself to him. The hunger in his eyes as he drank up my body sent a tremor down my spine and made my cock jerk. 

Kevin smirked and made me sit up so he could take the robe off my arms, “You don’t have any hair down there, I mean I noticed it before, when we were in the shower but I didn’t wanna seem like a perv and ask you about it then.”

I lifted my hips so he could toss the robe to the floor, “Yeah, they make us get rid of it, most of the clients like it that way, is it—does it weird you out or something?”

Kevin shook his head, “No, just observing, it’s different.” 

Kevin took his own robe off leaving us both naked. He came back down and pressed our bare bodies together capturing my lips in a passionate kiss. I was surprised that I was already pretty hard and hot all over, I’ve never felt this way before. Kevin left my lips, only to move down to my neck sucking and nibbling the skin there. I tossed my head back not wanting him to stop what he was doing. He kissed his way all the way up to my ear and whispered, “I’m going to make you feel so good baby.”

I swallowed hard and shivered at the feel of his hot breath against my skin. He nibbled and sucked on my lobe then moved back down my body and slowly licked and kissed all over my chest taking my right nipple into his mouth. I arched my head back and gasped as he sucked and nibbled on the tiny nub, he moved over to my left nipple and did the same. My whole body was shaking at this point and I was so hard; I had no idea what was going on with my body, but I didn’t care—it felt too good. He moved down to my stomach and continued the same torture over every inch of skin there. When he got to my belly button, he slipped his tongue in and out as I whimpered at the new sensation it caused. He shifted down to my right leg and sucked on my calves while massaging my foot, inching his way to my inner thighs. He sat up between my legs and massaged my inner thighs, kneading the area with just the right amount of pressure while simultaneously going back to work on my nipples. 

“Oh god Kevin, that feels so good.” 

Kevin looked up at Nick, happy to see him let the pleasure take over him. Eyes closed, mouth slightly agape, flushed cheeks and a thin sheen of sweat, Nick looked irresistible. While still looking at Nick, Kevin took the younger man’s cock and stroked it slowly, entranced by the moans and look of pleasure on Nick’s face. He bent down to lick the head of Nick’s cock.

I swear I nearly fell out of the bed. Holy crap. He’s sucking just the head of my cock and I’m pretty sure I’m going to come. I clenched my hands in the sheets in a death grip and I was panting so fast that I could hardly catch my breath. I leaned up onto my elbows; I needed to watch him as he was doing this. I watched his head bob up and down and my cock disappear into his hot wet mouth. He looked up at me and a shiver ran up my spine; He started sucking me harder and faster and I couldn’t hold my weight up anymore and fell back into the bed as a strangled cry escaped my lips. I felt him massage my balls and hum around my cock which sent delicious vibrations and pushed me over the edge. Kevin tightened his grip on my hips as I arched off the bed and felt the overwhelming pleasure flare through me. 

I cannot feel my entire body. I slowly opened my eyes to see Kevin’s green eyes staring back at me. 

“How do you feel baby?”

I tried to say ‘amazing’ but it came out in a moan of some sort. I have lost my ability to form words. 

Kevin chuckled, “Well okay, I’ll take that as a ‘good’.”

I nodded my head slightly as he wrapped his arms around me pulling me towards him and capturing my lips, I tasted myself on him and trembled. When he pulled back I just stared into his eyes… I feel so many things for this man, things that I have never felt before. I don’t even know how to put all the feelings into words. He’s just so amazing, I honestly can’t think of anything wrong with him… I could spend all my time just lying here in his arms staring at him and I would be content—I wonder if that’s love. I dropped my gaze, buried my face in the crook of his neck and inhaled his scent hoping to ease my sudden hammering pulse. I’ve never been in love before so I don’t know if that’s what it is, but I do know if he ever left me I would be absolutely heartbroken. I nuzzled my face and gave his neck a small peck. I just want to lie with him, look at him, kiss him, please him, know him, and just spend all my time with him; nothing else seems matter when I’m with him. I smiled to myself and held him tighter. It must be love… and it feels really good. I probably shouldn’t say anything, who knows how he feels. I know he cares about me a lot but love… love is a whole other story. 

I looked back up at him and smiled, “I think I’m recovered enough now… that was… beyond amazing,” He smiled and gave me a quick kiss, “Now… let me return the favor,” I tried to push him down on his back but he pushed me back and shook his head.

“No baby I told you today was about you.”

I pouted, “But I want to.”

“You’ll get your chance another time. I didn’t even give you my best moves, so you know I need to do _that_ again.”

We ended up lying in each other’s arms for over an hour talking but mostly just enjoying the feel of being in each other’s arms. The whole time my mind was swirling with only one thought. I knew what I wanted, something I have never really _wanted_ before. Lying in his arms was great but I wanted to feel him everywhere, all around me, inside me. I finally found the courage and moved out of his grasp slightly to look into his eyes, “Make love to me, Kevin,” his eyes bugged out. He looked so surprised I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing, I did _not_ want to ruin this moment. “Make love to me, please,” my heart fell, he was just staring at me and it occurred to me that maybe this isn’t something he wanted.

“Nick… you don’t—are you—”

“Is it me… do you… do you not want me?” I said quietly.

“Oh god Nick, No… that’s not it at all,” he brushed my lips with his thumb, “You don’t even know how bad I want you. It’s just… baby, are you sure you’re ready for—”

“I’m ready, I’m sure, never been more sure of anything in my life… I want it, I’ve never wanted it before and I… I need it, Kevin, please.” He couldn’t really argue with that now could he. 

He kissed me softly, “Okay.”


	8. Chapter 8

Kevin got up, took out some lube and condoms from the bedside table then came back to the bed. He spread my legs slightly and sat between them. My palms felt sweaty already, my heart was beating frantically and I could feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins at the anticipation of what was to come. 

Kevin wanted this to be an experience Nick would never forget. He didn’t want to get down and dirty and have a good fuck, he wanted to make love to Nick and show Nick how incredible sex could be. He wanted to take Nick to places he’s never been before, make him writhe and cry out in pleasure. 

Kevin bent my legs at my knees, gripped the back of my knees and pushed my legs up towards my chest; he spread my legs all the way out to the side, opening me up to him completely. The lust in his eyes while I was completely exposed and at his mercy made me shudder. Before I could even have another thought, I felt his soft wet tongue rim my tiny pucker, “Oh God!” Thank god he had a good grip on my legs otherwise I probably would have knocked him over with them. He continued to rim me with his tongue until I felt his tongue slide inside me. I shut my eyes tight and threw my head back, the feeling was indescribable. Hearing the slick sounds of his tongue sucking and the moans from enjoying giving me pleasure was simply erotic. His tongue continued moving in and out of me and I swear I’m about to lose my mind, my whole body is on fire, I can’t believe how hot and sweaty I am and we haven’t even had sex yet.

The feel of Nick tremble and the whimpers coming from his mouth built up the desire within Kevin and took him into a fiery pace with his tongue. He started varying between tongue-fucking and sucking the area hard and felt Nick squirm and beg for more. After a minute he slowed down and withdrew his tongue and looked up at Nick who was panting for air. 

“No… please… don’t stop,” I looked at Kevin through heavy lidded eyes trying to catch my breath. I didn’t want the feeling to end, I never would have thought that would feel so good. Kevin released his grip on my legs and allowed my feet to lie flat on the bed, with my knees still bent and opened wide. His eyes were locked on mine as he softly caressed my inner thigh with one hand; then I felt him slowly insert a finger inside me. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was concerned about my reaction and it warmed my heart. He didn’t need to worry though, I trusted him completely. 

Kevin worked his finger in and out, then he curled his finger to rub my prostate, I jerked and cried out in pleasure. As his fingers continued to tap and stroke my prostate his other hand worked its way up to my nipples where he rubbed and pinched them. The heightened pleasure made me squirm and my hips started moving involuntarily back and forth in pace with his fingers. He continued his slow torture until my body was searing with desire and I begged and pleaded for him to take me, “Please Kev, I need you so bad.” 

Kevin removed his finger and prepared himself with a condom and lube. Moments later he moved on top of me, I wrapped my arms around his neck and captured his lips in a bruising kiss. I wanted him so bad, I broke the kiss and placed my forehead to his, feeling his hot breath against my lips. 

“You ready baby?”

“More than ready… please, just do—” I bit my lip and closed my eyes tight as I felt the head of his cock enter me. It felt a little uncomfortable since I may still be a little tender, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Kevin pinned my hands above my head linking our fingers together while he slowly pushed inside of me. Once he was completely buried inside me I opened my eyes to look at him and silently beg him to move. He started a slow and steady pace in and out of me and I let all the sensations overtake me. Kevin grabbed my legs and lifted them over his shoulders then pressed our bodies together, setting a faster rhythm and hitting me in a new angle, “Oh god, Kevin!” I was in complete ecstasy. All the feelings, smells, and sounds that used to torture me seemed to drift away before my eyes. I could actually feel it vanish as I took in everything around me and felt my heart soar with desire. The sounds of his moans and his skin slapping into mine as he thrust into me sent a jolt of electricity through my body and straight to my cock. The musky scent of his sweat filled my lungs and I could feel his hot breath on the side of my face and I savored it all. Kevin lifted his face slightly from my shoulder so we could stare into each other’s eyes as our sweat soaked cheeks pressed together. He increased his pace and I started moving my hips up to match his rhythm, hoping to bring him deeper. I could feel my muscles clench and a fire pool deep within my groin and I knew I was close. “I’m close” I felt him slow down and grind his hips in circles and I wondered why he was slowing down, “Faster, baby.”

“I want to make it last, trust me, it’ll be so good.”

He continued a torturous pace of moving fast then slowing down. My whole body was trembling, soaked with sweat, and my fingers were digging into his back. We were pressed so tightly that each movement from Kevin stimulated my cock. The heated pressure deep in my groin was so intense that I was ready to reach between us and jerk myself off, I just wanted release. “Oh god… Kevin, I need… to come.” Kevin pressed his lips to mine and kissed me deep and slow. He pulled up slightly grasped my cock and slammed into me hard and fast while simultaneously stroking my cock. I tried so hard to look at him as I came but my orgasm took control of my body. My hips sprung off the bed and I threw my head back as the violent pleasure radiated deep within my groin, up to my chest and all the way to my toes. I swear I saw stars. I could vaguely hear Kevin howl and felt his body shudder as I continued to ride out my high. I honestly didn’t know an orgasm could last that long and I’m pretty sure I have no come left in my body. My body was still shaking after my climax and I closed my eyes trying to recover. I was still wrapped around him so I tried to lift my legs off his shoulders rather unsuccessfully. I had no strength or desire to even move as my body felt liquefied and molded to the spot. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Kevin staring back at me. I felt absolutely incredible at that moment; it was so overwhelming I felt like I could cry. Kevin brought his hand up to my face and swiped his thumb under my eye and that’s when I realized I _was_ actually crying. He came down and kissed both of my eye lids, the tip of my nose, then my lips but before his lips could leave mine—and without thinking— I allowed the one thought at the forefront of my mind, and basically clawing its way out to leave my lips.

“I love you.”

His lips were still brushed against mine and he paused for a minute then brought his head up to look at me, “What?”

My heart was thumping so hard I thought it would thump right out of my chest. He looked so confused and I wanted to cry again, “Ummm... I-I dunno… never mind,” Before I could turn my head to look away, Kevin cupped my cheek, so I looked down. 

“Did you say you loved me? Nick… look at me baby.” 

I looked up and saw tears in Kevin’s eyes and I bit my lip. 

“I love you too, Nick, so much. I wasn’t sure if you felt the same way, I’ve felt it for a while but I didn’t want to freak you out and I know it’s really soon but I don’t care, okay I’m rambling now, whatever—I love you!”

I laughed as tears formed in my eyes and I pressed our lips together for a slow deep kiss. When we pulled back I sighed, “By the way, I had the most inten—no probably like the world’s BEST orgasm, no joke.” 

Kevin grinned, “You don’t even know how fuckin’ sexy you looked—and sounded—when you came, I came just from watching you.”

I felt the heat rise in my cheeks, “Well, you were amazing,” I said softly. 

It occurred to me that I was still wide open with my legs on Kevin’s shoulders so I brought them down. I wasn’t ready to let go of him yet so I just wrapped them around Kevin’s hips and brought my arms around his neck keeping him pressed against me. We were a sticky mess of sweat and my come but I didn’t care, I wanted him close. 

“Just so you know, Nick, that was the best sex of my life.”

“Me too.”

Kevin smirked, “So, how are we feeling about sex now?”

I rolled my eyes, “I guess you were right _again_. Hey! You weren’t lying, you are _always_ right, like right now, and you were right before, which means you were right about being right all the time!”

Kevin furrowed his brows, “Well that was confusing, what are you even saying?”

“I don’t even know, it made sense in my head though.”

We both laughed. 

Kevin flicked his tongue out and traced the outline of my lips; I opened my mouth and captured his tongue sucking it gently. We kissed slowly and deeply looking into each other’s eyes, it was so freakin’ sexy and hot it made my cock twitch. Kevin started laughing while we were still kissing and I pulled back from the kiss.

I raised a brow, “Why are you laughing?”

Kevin shook his head, “Oh to be young again, you ready to go again, baby?”

“Oh. Well, I can’t help it when you kiss me and look at me like that… but in all seriousness, I could go again.”

“I’m gonna need a minute, I’m not eighteen anymore.”

I stuck out my tongue, “God, I’m dating an old man.”

“What was that?”

“I _said_ , I’m dating an ol—eeee!” I shrieked as Kevin started ticking my sides, and let me tell you, I am _really_ ticklish. I was thrashing and laughing, gasping for breath, “Stop…Kev…”

“Take it back.”

“I…take…it…back” 

Kevin finally stopped and I tried to catch my breath. 

“Now I know what to do if I ever need to get anything out of you.”

My heart rate and breathing were finally coming back to normal and I pouted, “That was so mean. I lost my hard on.”

Kevin chuckled, “Want me to help you get it back up?”

“Maybe In a bit, right now I just wanna lie here with you.”

“In that case, we should clean up a little, I’m gonna go grab a towel.”

We cleaned ourselves up and got back into bed under the covers. I curled up next to Kevin with my head on his chest and my leg in between his. 

“Kev, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Does it bother you… what I used to do?”

“I told you I understood why you did it.”

“No, I know that,” I thought about how I wanted to say this, “I mean, I know I didn’t work there for very long but… I had sex a lot, and with so many different guys.”

“Nick, I knew the first day I met you what your job involved and that I wasn’t the only person you were offering it to,” Kevin paused and I heard him sigh, “At first it did… when I would go to see you while you were working, I would leave as soon as I saw you talking to another guy. Sometimes I actually wanted to go over and tell the guy to get lost. It was so hard to see you talking to another guy and then leaving with him, knowing exactly what you were doing.” 

I got up from Kevin’s chest and moved up so we could talk face to face, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be Nick, It doesn’t bother me anymore because I know for sure it didn’t mean anything. Before I thought, well yeah it’s a job but I thought you actually enjoyed the sex part. But just tonight I realized how much of a job it was for you and how even though you might have had sex with a lot of guys, you are still so inexperienced because it wasn’t real… there was no emotional attachment to it. What happened today, _that_ was real, and I’m so happy I got to show you that… even if you had enjoyed the sex, I would still want to be with you, just so you know. I fell in love with you even when I thought you enjoyed it… I fell in love with you as a person, and I’d love you no matter what you did.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat, there was nothing to even say to that, so I said the only thing I could think of to express how I felt at that moment, “I love you so much, Kev, you’re just… I’m a really lucky guy.”


	9. Chapter 9

Kevin woke up first the next morning and looked down at the sleeping man in his arms. Nick was cuddled up to his chest and he could see a hint of a smile gracing his beautiful face. He ran his fingers through Nick’s soft hair and shifted slightly to get a better view of his face, which caused Nick to squirm and flutter his eyes. 

I opened one eye only to shut it right back from the sting of the sunlight. Damn, that’s bright. I felt movement below me so I blinked a few times and looked up slightly to the face of my love, “Mmmm… I love waking up in your arms,” I brushed my lips along his chest and gave a small kiss near his heart. 

“I love waking in your arms too baby, I’m sorry I woke you.”

I yawned and snuggled up closer burying my face in the crook of Kevin’s neck, “its okay,” I mumbled against his neck. I could get used to this feeling. 

“I was thinking while I was watching you sleep, and I wanted to talk to you about something”

I yawned again, “Mmhmm.”

“How do you feel about moving in with me?”

My eyes flew open, well that woke me up real quick. Did Kevin just say what I think he said? Move in with him? I untangled myself from his warm embrace and leaned up on one elbow, “Come again?”

“I know you’re probably thinking that it’s too soon, but I feel like we’ve learned more about each other in the past three months then most couples do in years. I know nothing is going to change the way I feel about you Nick and I just want to know more about you. I want to know what you like for breakfast, what kind of things you do in your free time, what makes you happy, angry, I want to know it all. And I want to do it while going to bed with you every night and having you in my arms in the mornings. 

Kevin brushed his thumb across my lips to stop me from biting my bottom one that was probably bleeding at this point. “No one’s ever wanted to know me… like the real me, I—“

“I do”

“I don’t even have my life figured out yet, I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. I just feel like I would be such a burden to you… I don’t want to disrupt your life in any way.”

“Kevin rolled his eyes, “Nick, you could never be a burden. And you remember I did tell you I could find you something in my company.”

“No Kev, I can’t work for you. That would be too weird having my boyfriend as my boss. Not that I think you would be a bad one, but you know.”

“Yeah, I understand. Just don’t let that be a reason, I can take care of you.”

I shook my head, “I can’t let you do that, you’ve already done so much for me. And if I was here all by myself I would probably go crazy with boredom. I know I need to find something, I just don’t know what it is.”

“Well, that’s all I wanted to tell you, you don’t need to rush. I know you don’t want me to take care of things but I can while you figure out what you want to do. You’re still so young so don’t worry if you don’t find something right away, you have plenty of time. I was also thinking, it might make things easier for your friends. You did say things haven’t been easy for them, so maybe this will help them out too.”

“That’s true… I need some time, is that okay?”

Kevin leaned forward and sucked on my bottom lip, he slowly entered my mouth and flicked his tongue with mine. I moaned into his mouth and pressed our bare chests together while my leg went between his. I took control of the kiss brushing my tongue along the sides of his mouth and clawing my hands into his hair. I could do this all day, get lost in his sweet mouth; kiss him until my lips are raw. Kevin grasped the sides of my face and pushed my head back.

“You could wake up to that every morning,” Kevin smirked and wiggled his brows.

I was still trying to catch my breath. Yup, he got me. It would be nice to wake up to that every morning.

Kevin untangled himself from me and got out of bed. I bit my lip as I admired his naked form in all its glory. He picked up the robes on the floor and threw mine towards me having it land right on top of my face. He chuckled and covered himself with his, “All right Nick, let’s make some breakfast… then I think its time we fixed that hair of yours.”

“Oh my god, yes please”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

After breakfast we got set up in Kevin’s bathroom to fix my hair. It was still weird looking at my reflection without my usual hair cut. I’ve had the same one for as long as I could remember and looking at myself now, I felt like a whole new person. Not that I look really different or anything but it was like I was starting new. With all that happened last night, I felt like I had finally come to some sort of acceptance of my past and I wanted nothing more than to look to the future.

Kevin came up behind me and smiled, “I really like your hair like this.”

I smiled back at him, “Me too, but it is a little crazy right now so hopefully it’ll look better once your done.”

Kevin kissed the top of my head, “Just sit back and relax, I’ll fix it.”

Kevin grabbed a spray bottle filled with water and sprayed it all over my hair and ran his fingers through my hair to try and find the larger pieces to cut. I closed my eyes and rested my neck against the chair in pure bliss. His fingers felt so good as they massaged and tugged gently on my scalp. I let my mind wander and imagined his soft, sweet lips pressed to mine as those fingers moved through my hair pushing me closer. I took it further and pictured him tugging on my hair while I had my lips wrapped around his thick cock sucking the satiny skin, I really wanted to taste his cock again. That thought led me to the events of last night… Kevin tongue licking and sucking me all over my body, moving his fingers inside me getting to that sweet spot. I could feel all the heat inside me rush straight to my cock at the memory. While last night was the best sexual experience I have ever had, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like on the other side. Sucking, licking and touching every inch of Kevin’s body, pushing my finger inside him to get to that sweet spot within. More than any of that, what I really wondered was what it would be like to be fully inside him, to have him open up to me completely so I could thrust my cock inside of that tight heat and make him cry out in pleasure. Oh how I wanted to be inside that gorgeous man, to feel him surround me, to slam inside of him over and over…”

“Nick?”

I was brought out of my daze at the sound of Kevin’s voice, “Huh?”

“Baby, what are you thinking about?”

Fuck I am sweating, “Huh, oh nothing.” 

Kevin smirked, “Oh really, nothing. I would say it was _definitely_ something with all the panting and moaning you were doing, not to mention the pretty impressive tent you got going on there.”

I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks, I bit my lip and smiled, “Just thinkin’ bout you, that’s all.”

“What in the world was I doing to you? You know I’m going to need to do that in real life.”

I wondered how Kevin would react if I told him I was thinking about doing stuff to _him_. I don’t even know how I would go about asking him if I could make love to him… who knows if he even wants that, or would like that, “Hey Kev, can I ask you something?”

“You know you can ask me anything, baby.”

My face lit up, I loved it when he called me baby, “I was just wondering…umm…well… so I know you might think that I’ve had lots of experiences you know… with like sex and stuff…”

Kevin bit his lip to keep from laughing at how cute Nick looked when he was nervous, “Mmhmm.”

“So you do think that?”

“Nick, just keep going.”

“Okay… well I’m not… or not as much as you might think,” Kevin stopped the movement of his fingers on my hair and furrowed his brows, he turned me around on the swivel chair and bent down so we were at eye level. Oh no, why does he always want to look at me when I want to ask something embarrassing? I don’t want to look at him when I ask him. I tried hard to avoid eye contact.

“What are you saying Nick?”

“Have you ever… done things the other way around… been like where I was?”

Kevin finally understood what Nick was talking about, “Are you asking me if I’ve ever been the receiver?”

I nodded.

“Yes, I have… only a few times, I enjoy being the giver more I guess. It’s just always worked out that way.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Kevin cupped my cheek, “What made you ask me now Nick?”

“I’ve never done it… be inside someone. I know it doesn’t make sense but no one wanted me in that way. I was always someone people wanted to fuck but… never the other way around. It never really bothered me, I mean I have been curious, but I’ve never really had a big desire for it,” my heart was beating so fast, “Until now.”

“Ask me Nick.”

“You said you don’t really like it and I… I have no idea what to do, well I know what to _do_ but I might not be good… I shouldn’t have said anything, forget I said—“

“Nick, the only times I have done it was with Andrew and that was because I was curious and I thought I was in love with him. But since then, I’ve never fallen in love with anyone. I love you Nick, and I want to experience everything with you. I’m not just saying I want this because it’s something _you_ are curious about, I want to feel you inside me and I want to experience all the emotions that go along with it, with you,” Kevin grabbed my hand and placed it to his heart, I could feel his heart beating as fast as mine, “Do you feel my heart Nick?” I nodded, “That’s just from the thought of you making love to me. I want this just as much as you do.”

“Oh god Kev, I want to make love to you so bad.”

Kevin grinned but before he could say another word I pounced on him, knocking him over on his back and straddling his hips then crashing his lips with mine. 

“Nick, we don’t have to do it right now,” Kevin murmured into my mouth.

“Shut up,” I murmured back and Kevin chuckled.

I entered Kevin’s mouth and tangled our tongues together while pressing my erection against Kevin’s feeling his cock harden. I pulled back from his mouth and trailed kisses down his jaw to his neck where I sucked the area until I left a mark. I looked up to Kevin and smirked, “I marked you, you’re mine now,” Kevin smiled back at me as I reached down to the hem and his shirt and pulled it up past his chest then instantly latched my lips onto his nipple. I heard Kevin moan and felt him lift my shirt and run his hands up and down my bare back. As I continued my assault on his nipples I felt him move his hands lower, under the waistband of my pajamas to cup my ass cheeks. He got a good hold on them and pressed down grinding our hips together which sent a shiver up my spine and I moved away from his chest back up to his lips. I kissed him hungrily and grinded our hips together harder. The sensation was unbelievable but I wanted more, I wanted to feel his bare skin against mine. I pulled up and just as I was about to lift his shirt, the phone rang. I pouted, “Do you have to get that?”

“As much as I don’t want to, it might be work, and you my dear are getting your hair everywhere.”

Whoops, I totally forgot about all the hair on the floor, there wasn’t much, but who wants to get it on in a pile of hair? Not me. I got off of Kevin and dusted off my clothes while Kevin answered the phone. 

“Hello… hey dad… yeah, I got it taken care of… oh you are…”

I saw Kevin’s face light up the instant he realized it was his dad on the phone. I decided to give Kevin some privacy and stepped out of the bathroom. I honestly had to get away from him. I was so horny, I wasn’t sure—actually I was one hundred percent sure I couldn’t control myself around him. The only thought on my mind now was being inside of Kevin. I paced back and forth around the room… fuck, I really need to dunk my whole body in ice right now! I made my way into another bathroom and splashed my face with cold water. It didn’t help so I pushed back the shower curtain, grabbed the shower nozzle, held it to my neck and started the water. I left it on for only a second, shut it off and made my way back to Kevin’s room. I hopped onto the bed, laid on my back and closed my eyes. My damp shirt was definitely cooling me off and I could feel my heartbeat regulate. I sighed, that’s much better. Well so much for me thinking I wasn’t some sex-crazed guy, turns out all I needed was Kevin. I shook my head and chuckled.

Kevin walked out of the washroom a couple of minutes later and walked towards the bed. He stopped at the edge of the bed and furrowed his brows, “Nick, why is your shirt all wet?”

“I really needed to cool down fast after you left me with a major hard-on.”

Kevin burst out laughing, “What did you do, grab a glass of water and throw it on yourself?”

“Nooo, I actually sprayed your shower nozzle on myself, much more effective I’d say.”

Kevin shook his head, “Why didn’t you just _take_ a cold shower?” 

“Oh… I dunno…” I threw my hands in the air, “Clearly my mind stops working when I’m horny.”

Kevin chuckled and walked away, coming back with a towel, “Here, dry yourself off a little,” He handed me the towel and I sat up, wrapped it around myself to dry off, “I need to ask you something Nick.”

“Okay.”

Kevin sat down on the edge of the bed, reached out and took my hand in his, “My dad is in town, and he wants to meet you.”

“Me? Why? Why does he want to meet me?”

“He knows about you Nick, I have a really good relationship with my dad, I told him about you when we first started “phone dating”… I told him I would ask you to see if it was okay before giving him an answer… so what do you think?”

I’ve never met a boyfriend’s parents before, well I’ve never had a boyfriend before, but still… I do not know if I am ready for this, “Umm I dunno.”

“He’s harmless, trust me you have nothing to worry about. He’s going to love you, anyone who makes me as happy as you do will be good in my dad’s books. I don’t want to push you to do something you are not ready for… so if you don’t feel up for it, that’s fine, and don’t worry about him, he will understand if you say no. But I do really want you to meet him.”

“You do?” Kevin nodded, “What if he asks me questions? He’ll probably want to know what I do… and then I’ll have to tell him I’m unemployed and he’ll probably think I just want you for the money…” the more I thought about it, the worse I thought the idea was. I thought about how protective Brian was with me and I was positive that Kevin’s dad would want his son far away from a guy like me, “No I can’t… I can’t do it, he’s going to hate me, I know it.”

“He’s not going to hate you, Nick. I...uh… I kind of told him what you _did_ for a living.” 

Oh no.

“I tell my dad just about everything and well he figured out I was way too happy to be single so he asked me about the guy I was seeing. I hope you’re not mad baby. Yes, he was a little hesitant in the beginning but when I started telling him more about you, he got over it. He knows how happy you make me and he knows I don’t just jump into relationships unless I meet someone really special.”

“You tell him everything?” I said in a small voice. Just the thought of Kevin’s dad knowing _everything_ about me made me want to curl up in a small hole and cry.

Kevin’s eyes went wide and he shook his head, “Oh no Nick, there’s some things that are between you and me. First of all, my dad does _not_ need to know about my sex life, and second of all, I would _never_ betray your trust and go behind your back like that. Anything that you told me last night and that you tell me in the future is between us. I just want to tell him things that give him a little insight to who you are. I did tell him you had a tough childhood but I would never go into details unless it’s something you wanted to share with someone else.”

Of course Kevin wouldn’t do that, I can’t believe I doubted him for a second, “I’m sorry, I know you wouldn’t do that,” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath hoping I wouldn’t regret this, “He’s obviously really important to you so yes, I’ll meet him.”

Kevin gave me a peck on the lips, “Great, you get ready and I’ll call him to let him know we’ll be there in an hour.”

Before he could walk away I grabbed his arm and turned him around, “Wait, you mean now?”

“Yes, he’s only in town for a day and a half.”

“But I need to prepare….”

“Nick, trust me you are just going to work yourself up the longer we wait, its better if we just get this over with. I’m still going to tell you there’s nothing to worry about but I know you won’t believe me until you actually get there. Let’s just do this now so you can get over all this anxiety okay?” 

I pouted, “Okay.”


	10. Chapter 10

We went for lunch at a restaurant which Kevin told me is his “special place” with his dad. It was a cute little Italian restaurant; just the fact that he took me there warmed my heart and got rid of some of the nerves jumping in my chest. I noticed Kevin’s dad the moment he walked in, he looked so much like Kevin. He was dressed so formal, in a suit and tie, it was quite intimidating; but his smile was so gentle and kind, just like Kevin’s that it put me right at ease. 

We spent the afternoon getting to know each other. Kevin’s dad was so funny and lighthearted, the total opposite of what I thought he would be. Not that I thought he would be mean and yell at me—okay I did, but I just prepared myself for the worst. I kept looking at him and Kevin noticing how similar they were, they both looked so intimidating and tough on the outside, but once you broke down the layers and got to know them, they were both completely tender and easygoing.

We ended up talking for over two hours before Kevin’s dad had to leave to attend to some business. As we were saying goodbye I brought my hand out to shake his hand and he caught me off guard by pulling me into a tight hug and whispering in my ear. He told me how happy he was that I had come into Kevin’s life and how he had never seen Kevin so happy. He asked me to please take care of Kevin and told me how much he looked forward to seeing me again. I almost started crying like an idiot, but I controlled myself and told him I would try my best to keep Kevin happy. Something about Kevin’s dad made me confess all my feelings, maybe it was how similar he was to Kevin, I don’t know. But I ended up telling him that I was completely in love with Kevin and that he was the single most important person in my life, alongside my best friend. I didn’t stop there… I told him how amazing Kevin was—like he didn’t already know—and how his coming into my life is the best thing that has ever happened to me. After I was done pouring my heart out I was completely embarrassed, but he cupped my cheek and smiled telling me he was glad he got to meet me. I told him the same and he gave Kevin one last hug before leaving. Kevin asked me what his dad said to me the moment he left but I just shrugged and said that he told me he had a great lunch and was glad to have met me. It was something that I thought should be kept between the two of us.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

I could not stop smiling the whole way to the car and I could tell that Kevin was glad things went so well.

Once we got into the car I finally broke the silence, “I’m so glad you convinced me to come today.”

“So you had a good time I take it?”

“Kev, I had _such_ a great time with your dad, he’s awesome. I can’t wait for you to meet my Brian.”

Kevin raised a brow, “ _Your_ Brian?”

I laughed, “Well yeah, you know what I mean, my Brian, my best friend. He told me he wants to meet you but I was so nervous about it, but after today, I don’t know what I was so nervous about. You were right, what you said before, if he knows how happy you make me, I know he will love you. And I know you’ll love him, well I hope you’ll love him, he is pretty great. He’s not as great as you but he’s a close second, oh man, I’m so excited, let’s go see him now.”

Kevin looked pretty amused with my excitement, well I guess he had good reason, I was practically bouncing up and down in the seat, “All right Nick, I guess today is the day for meeting the family, well some of the family.“

I leaped across to Kevin and pulled him into a hug, “Thank you,” I could feel the tears forming in my eyes, I was trying to control my emotions but I was feeling euphoric.

Kevin pulled me back and I could tell he noticed the tears rimming my eyes. He caressed my cheek and kissed me on the tip of my nose, “What are you thanking me for baby?”

“Everything, just today…. this just makes it feel so real you know. I’ve never been happier than I am with you and I feel like every day I experience something new with you that makes me fall in love with you even more, and I didn’t even know that was possible. I’ve never had someone want me to be completely part of their life and it just feels overwhelming… overwhelming in the best possible way. I don’t want this feeling to ever go away, you won’t ever leave me, right?”

“Never, you’re stuck with me for as long as you’ll have me.”

“Well good, ‘cause as cheesy as it sounds, I want you forever.”

“Meh, people tend to get cheesy when they’re in love, so I guess we both have an excuse,” He leaned in for a quick kiss, “You ready to go?” 

“Yup.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

My excitement went into overdrive as we walked into the apartment.

“Briiiiannn!!!”

Kevin clutched his chest, “Jeez Nick, you scared the crap out of me.” 

I laughed, “Sorry, you’ll get used to it, well hopefully.”

Brian came strolling into the room, “Hey Nick,” He plastered a huge grin on his face when he noticed Kevin, “Oh, I didn’t realize you were bringing company, Kevin I assume. Brian walked over and stopped dead in his tracks, “Holy shit Nick, your hair!”

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that, it was just time for a change,” I shrugged

Brian walked up to me and ruffled my hair, “I like it, it suits you,” He turned to Kevin and held out his hand, “I’ve heard so much about you. I told Nick I want to meet this _amazing_ Kevin he kept telling me about, I was beginning to wonder whether or not you really existed,” I rolled my eyes, not even a minute in and he was already being typical Brian, but it’s one of the things I love about him. 

Kevin smiled and shook Brian’s hand, “It’s great to finally meet you.”

I just stood there like an idiot with a huge smile on my face as they made small talk. I was so happy to finally have the two most important people in my life in one room, the two people who make my world brighter and have helped me through the worst times. I have no idea what I would do without either of them.

“Earth to Nickolas,” Brian laughed waving a hand in my face, “Jeez, get that goofy grin off your face and make us some coffee or something, would ya.”

“Coffee! Sure I can make coffee… do you want some coffee Kev, or tea? We have like regular tea or green tea, or I can make—“

“Coffee’s fine Nick, thanks,” Kevin replied chuckling.

“And none for you, you don’t need any. Maybe grab us some snacks too,” Brian called out as I walked towards the kitchen. 

“Okay, I’ll be back!” 

Brian motioned for Kevin to sit on the couch and Kevin sat across from him on the recliner. 

“You know I have known Nick for what feels like my whole life, and I have _never_ seen him like this.”

Kevin smiled, “I feel the same way, I’ve never been so happy before.”

Brian turned a little serious, “I’m glad you know, he deserved to be happy more than anyone I know,” Brian paused trying to find the right way to say things, “Look, Nick’s my little brother and I’ve been looking out for him my whole life so I have to say this. Nick has been through so much heartache for someone his age, more than anyone can imagine. I’ve seen him at his lowest and seeing him so happy is incredible. I know he’s still battling with things but I couldn’t bear to see him fall apart if things with you go down in flames. I don’t want to see him go backwards and with what happened recently—which I’m sure you know about, I know it’s still going to take him a while to get through it all. I need to know that you’ll be there, that you won’t give up on him and break his heart because I don’t know if he’d be able to handle that.”

“I can see how much you care about Nick, Brian, but I want you to know that I care about him just as much. I’m not just messing around, I’m in love with him. I know about all the things Nick has gone through in the past and I will be by his side to get him through it the best I can. I know the rape was probably a huge set back but—“

“The what?!”


	11. Chapter 11

I walked into the room with coffee and some cookies and placed them on the table, I looked up and noticed Kevin and Brian staring at me both with unreadable expressions, “Uh, what did I miss?”

“Nick, what is Kevin talking about?”

Kevin looked panicked, “I’m so sorry Nick, I thought that’s what he was talking about.” 

My hands were starting to feel clammy. What are they talking about? I knew whatever it was, was not good judging by their expressions, “Wh-what?”

“Kevin said something about a rape?”

I felt like my heart stopped beating when I heard him say “rape” and then multiply within a matter of seconds. Kevin walked over to me and guided me to the couch to sit down. He sat down beside me and took one of my shaking hands in his and rubbed the top with the palm of his hand. Brian got off the recliner and walked towards me, he crouched down to his knees below me and gently rubbed my knees. 

“Nicky, talk to me please.”

Looking at Brian’s concerned face and his gentle touch broke my heart and the tears overtook me once again, “I’m sorry Bri.” 

Brian got up and sat beside me on the couch and pulled me into his arms, I buried my face in his neck and sobbed. He rubbed my back and kissed me on the side of my head, “Shh, please don’t cry Nicky.” 

It took a good five minutes or so for my sobs to subside but I stayed in the security of Brian’s arms feeling comfort in his touch. One I felt settled, I got out of Brian’s grasp and looked into his sad eyes, “I’m so sorry, I wanted to tell you but I thought it would only hurt you if you knew,” I turned to look over at Kevin, “Can you… I can’t…”

Kevin nodded knowing I wouldn’t be able to tell Brian what happened myself. He turned to Brian and after taking a deep breath recounted the events of my rape. 

They both held my shaking hands the whole time as I sat there looking down listening to Kevin reveal all that happened that day. Brian sat there quietly sobbing and squeezing my hand every now and then. Thankfully, Kevin left out a lot of the gruesome details knowing I wouldn’t want Brian to know all that. Although even without hearing it, every memory of that day ran through my mind vividly, all the things I thought I had gotten past last night came rushing back. I could feel the man’s hands on my hips shoving himself into me. The sound of the rain mixed with his grunts filled my head with such clarity I felt like I was reliving it. I let go of their hands and fisted them into my hair, roughly rubbing the palms of my hands over my temple wanting so bad to get the memories out of my head. I felt arms wrapping around me and my head being brought into a warm chest. 

“Oh Nicky, I’m so sorry that happened….. shhh, you’re okay now,” Brian soothed.

I didn’t even realize I was crying again, I was too focused on the images in my mind, “Are you m-mad at me?” 

“No, of course not. I understand why you didn’t tell me… I’ll always be here for you Nick, don’t ever forget that. I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

I must have cried myself to sleep in Brian’s arms because the next thing I knew I was waking up in my bed. There was a warm body behind me and arms wrapped around my waist holding me tight. I stirred in bed trying to get out of their grasp to turn around. When the grip finally lessened I turned around and came face to face with beautiful green eyes, I unconsciously snuggled closer to Kevin, “Hi.”

“How’re you feelin’?”

“I’m all right. It’s just…it’s still so hard to talk about—or hear about, I don’t know if that will ever go away.”

“I wish I could tell you it does, but I don’t know that for sure. I hope you know no matter what that you won’t be going through it alone, I will always be here and same with Brian.”

“I know.” 

“I’m so sorry for letting it slip with Brian earlier. He was talking to me about how much you had gone through in the past and recently and I just assumed he was talking about the rape. I found out after talking to him while you were sleeping that he was talking about the two weeks you were in your “dark place” as he called it.”

“It’s not your fault Kev, I never told you that I never told him. It’s just different with Brian… we are so close that it’s sometimes harder to tell him all these bad things that have happened to me. At first I thought maybe he would find me disgusting, but I know him better than that now, I just know that he cares too much and when I’m hurting, he’s hurting… I know it sounds weird since I love you so much and I opened up my heart to you but it’s just different you know?”

“I understand, I would feel the same way about telling my parents or brother.”

“Good, ‘cause I don’t want you to think I care any less about you by telling you, that couldn’t be further from the truth.”

“I know baby,” Kevin replied and kissed my chin. 

“You know, I actually feel better about him knowing. I feel like a small weight has been lifted off my chest… there’s just one more thing though.”

“What’s that?”

I sighed, “I never told him everything about my parents. I told him about the beatings and the room but not all the other _stuff_. I was always so worried about what he would think about it but I guess I never gave him enough credit.”

“I think you’re right. I spent some time talking to Brian while you were taking your nap and… I just don’t think you know how much he cares about you Nick. He feels so guilty about the time you were in your “dark place” because he had a feeling there was something deeper bothering you but he never pushed. I told him there was probably no way you would have told him even if he did push which he realized was probably true. It’s not even that though, just the way he talks about you… he speaks so highly of you and I can tell he would do _anything_ for you. You are both so lucky to have a friendship, a bond like that. A friendship like that is so rare; I’ve never had someone in my life like that. The closest would have been Andrew but we just knew each other for a long time. I don’t think our friendship was very strong; we loved each other without a doubt but we never fully _knew_ or understood each other… I think there’s a reason why you feel that weight being lifted off your chest, it’s because deep down you _want_ him to know, you know it will only make you two closer. And I think if you told him about what happened when you were younger that weight will go away completely.”

“God, you're always so deep and profound, and right I might add. I do want to tell him, I think I’ve wanted to for a long time but the time just never felt right, and now it does.”

“Good”

“Enough talking, kiss me already.”

Kevin and I spent another hour or so talking, but mostly making out. He had an early morning meeting and needed to go home early to prepare. The minute he left I went straight into Brian’s room to have our “talk”. I didn’t want to spend time thinking of what to say to him because I knew I would only freak myself out and most likely back out of talking to him altogether. 

I’ve never seen Brian more devastated in my life than in the moment I told him I was molested when I was younger. It was the hardest conversation I’ve ever had with anyone. I cried ten times more than I did earlier that day with Brian crying right along with me. Kevin was right, I did feel that weight completely lifted off my chest and I knew that conversation only brought the two of us closer. After the hard talk we tried to lighten the mood and talk about other things. I told Brian that Kevin asked me to move in with him. I knew had this been a few days ago, Brian would have freaked and told me it was too soon, but after getting to know Kevin, he only told me he was happy for me but to take some time to think about it.


	12. Chapter 12

I was jolted awake, heart pounding, drenched in sweat. 

I was so sick of the nightmares, I just wanted to have a normal night sleep. I laid back down in bed and tried to control my racing heart. A thought occurred to me, I did have a normal, peaceful night sleep just the night before. Come to think of it, whenever I slept with Kevin, whether it be at night or just a short nap, my nightmares seemed to disappear... I wish Kevin was here with me now, to comfort me, hold me, and make me feel safe. Well I guess I could have that if I moved in with him, I would wake up in his arms every morning... 

I don’t even know what there was to think about, I knew in my heart that I wanted to move in with him but there was something holding me back, or rather _someone_. I would miss Brian so much if I moved out. I know I’ll still see him all the time but he’s just so much fun to live with and I already feel so comfortable around him. Living with my boyfriend would be brand new territory, he obviously keeps his house really clean and I am the complete opposite. What if moving in with him ruins our relationship… 

I jumped out of bed and ran into Brian’s room, once inside I jumped onto his bed and shook him awake.

“Brian, Brian, Brian, wake up!”

“You better be dying.”

“I’m not dying, but trust me this is _serious_.”

Brian yawned and sat up in his bed, “Okay, what?”

“I realized something when I woke up this morning. I had a nightmare last night, I know that’s nothing new, but I realized I never get nightmares when I’m sleeping with Kevin. I might have like the first time I was with him but that was when we were still getting to know each other. And it’s also before I told him everything, you know all the stuff from my childhood and stuff. “

“Uh huh, slow down a little Nick, I’m still half asleep here.”

“Okay, so I was thinking how great it would be to wake up with him every morning. But _then_ I thought about what might happen if I did move in with him.” 

“What’s that?”

I sighed, “Bri, what if I do something wrong, or what if he gets so annoyed with me that he breaks up with me.”

Brian rolled his eyes, “Oh my god, I can’t believe you woke me up because of this.”

“This is serious!”

Brian chuckled, “No Nick, it’s not. You annoy me all the time, kind of like you are right now and I still haven’t kicked you out. I know it’s different with a boyfriend but the whole fun of moving in with someone is getting to know all those little things. Like I’m sure you _know_ how much I love my sleep and how much it _annoys_ me when you wake me up for no good reason, so when you find out those things about Kevin, make sure you _don’t_ do them.” 

“Ha, ha Brian, you’re so funny,” I rolled my eyes and tried to suppress my laughter, I did know how much I was annoying Brian but sometimes it was just too much fun to resist. 

“It may take some work and compromise but I think you’ll be fine, that is if you decide to do it.”

I pouted, “I dunno Bri… I’m just going to miss you so much.”

Brian laughed and pulled me beside him so we were sitting side by side. He wrapped an arm around me and I placed my head on his shoulder. “I’ll miss you too Nick but it’s not like I’m going anywhere,” He rested his head on top of mine, “and if you ever miss me too much you can always stay here for a few days.”

“Or you can stay with me.”

“Well as long as Kevin’s okay with it.”

“He will be, he likes you and he knows how much you mean to me.”

“Well then stop worrying so much.”

“Brian, I don’t know if you know how thankful I am that you took me in. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

“I wish I could have done more.”

I shook my head and looked up at him, “That’s on me, sometimes I do think what would have happened if I just went to you sooner. Maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so bad, but there will always be those “what if’s” for everything. What if I never got a job at the Palace? I might have never met Kevin, I have to believe that there was a reason for everything that has happened, it’s one of the things that gets me through it all. 

Brian smiled, “Don’t ever lose that, Nick.”

“Lose what?”

“That positive thinking, it lets me know that you’ll be okay.”

After my talk with Brian I felt confident in my decision to move in with Kevin. I called him to let him know and asked him when he wanted me to move in, he laughed and said today, tomorrow, whenever. I decided I wanted one last night with Brian, I know we both said we could sleep over at each other’s places whenever we wanted but we both needed the time to let it sink in. 

We spent the day packing, playing basketball, eating junk and acting like kids. It was the most fun we’ve had in a long time. Although it did seem like he went a little overboard with all the activities he planned. 

“Hey, why aren’t you always this much fun?”

Brian looked shocked, “I’m fun!”

I had to laugh at the ridiculous look on his face, “I know you’re fun but we’ve never done _this_ much stuff in one day. I feel like this is the last day I’ll ever see you or that I’m dying or something.”

“I just wanted to make you see what you’re missing out on,” Brian winked. 

I smirked, “Oh really, so are you gonna kiss me, fuck me, then lie with me all night so I can wake up in your arms in the morning?”

Brian’s smile fell, “Oookay, maybe not.”

I chuckled, “I’m just kiddin’. I had so much fun today, I really am going to miss you, well living with you.”

“Me too.”

By the end of the day, I vowed to never take Brian for granted. Sometimes you get so used to a person that you forget to really appreciate them. He was such a big part of my life. We made a pact that night, promising to make the effort to see each other as often as we could.


	13. Chapter 13

Kevin picked me up early the next morning. It had only been one day but I already missed him like crazy. The second we walked in the door we both attacked each other simultaneously. We met in a hungry, passionate kiss exploring each other’s mouths. I fisted my hands into Kevin’s hair while his hand on my hips pulled me closer to his body. I broke the kiss and lifted Kevin’s shirt over his head dropping it to the floor, my shirt and both of our pants joined his shirt moments later leaving us in nothing but our boxers. Once the clothing was gone I pushed Kevin against the wall and pressed my body against his capturing his lips once again. As we continued kissing Kevin brought his hand down my back into the waistband of my boxers cupping my ass cheeks, I moaned into Kevin’s mouth as he kneaded them slightly.

“I love your ass,” Kevin murmured next to my mouth, “Let’s go upstairs baby.”

We ran up the stairs to the bedroom, getting rid of the final pieces of clothing and collapsing onto to the bed. Kevin was on top but I quickly pushed him onto his back and straddled his hips. 

“Let me make love to you Kev.”

Kevin nodded.

Before we went any further there was one thing I needed to do, something I haven’t had a chance to do since the first night I met Kevin. I grasped Kevin’s hard cock in my hand, bent down and licked the pre-come off the head. Kevin jerked in response and I shivered at the taste of him. I wrapped my mouth over the head and sucked him hard, sliding my lips up and down his length. I moaned at the feeling of him inside my mouth there was just something about it that was so arousing. It was kind of funny since I used to hate giving blowjobs but knowing how much pleasure it brought him made me crave it. I could feel his body tense and I pulled back not wanting it to end before we even got to the good stuff. 

I reached for the lube and condoms while Kevin bent his knees and moved his legs out wide opening himself up completely. I took a moment to appreciate his beautiful body spread out in front of me, waiting for me. It was such a profound moment for me, to know that he wanted me, needed me, and was allowing me to do what I wanted to please him. I put on the condom and coated a generous amount of lube on my cock then poured more lube onto my fingers and rimmed Kevin’s hole, slowly sliding my middle finger inside. I glided my finger in and out and watched as Kevin’s hips started moving along with me. I moved my finger around trying to find that sweet spot and knew the instant I found it when Kevin moaned and threw his head back. It was such a weird feeling being on the other end of things. Watching as my finger disappeared inside of him and just feeling of inside him, the heat and tightness—it was different and exhilarating. Looking at Kevin was the best part of it all, seeing how he responded to different movements, and finding out what he really liked by his face and moans. I was fascinated and extremely turned on by it all. I tapped his prostate a few more times and removed my fingers. I placed Kevin’s legs over my shoulders and positioned my cock to Kevin’s opening. I bent down and captured Kevin’s lips in a deep kiss, “Are you ready baby?”

“I’m ready, make love to me Nick”

I pushed into Kevin slowly and closed my eyes as I felt intense sensations flowing through my cock. I had to stop midway to take a few deep breaths as I somehow forgot how to breathe properly then I looked down at Kevin to make sure he was okay, “You… okay baby?”

“Never been better, I really want to shove you all the way in but, I’m gonna let you enjoy this.”

I smiled and leaned down to press my lips to his then continued to move inside him. I moaned into his mouth when I was fully incased in him, feeling every inch of him surround me. Pulling back from the kiss, I moved out of him then thrust back in and started a steady pace. I could already feel the pressure and heat pooling in my groin and I tried to hold back. I knew it would feel good, but nothing could have prepared me for this, “Oh god Kev, it feels so good.” 

“I know baby,” Kevin breathed out.

Everything I was feeling was directly in my cock, searing, thrilling pleasure, definitely different from when Kevin is inside me. I couldn’t even slow down, I felt like my body was thrusting out of my control in dire need of release. I reached between us and wrapped my hand around Kevin’s cock stroking him in time with my thrusts but after only a few stokes I couldn’t hold on any longer. I groaned out as I finally felt release from the building pressure shoot out of me. I collapsed on top of Kevin and felt his hand rub my back. I figured I better stop crushing him and tried to roll over on my back but Kevin tightened his grip on me and whispered in my ear. 

“It’s okay baby, just relax and enjoy the feeling.” 

He moved the hair from my forehead and gave it a small kiss while he continued to caress my back with the other. I closed my eyes and seriously thought I was going to fall asleep until I noticed little Kevin poking me in my stomach. I realized Kevin still hadn’t come and wiggled my way out of Kevin’s hold and down between his legs. I grasped his cock and engulfed his length with my lips sucking him hard and fast, within minutes I could feel his bitter-salty warm come flowing down my throat. It was a little hard to swallow everything so a bit trickled out of my mouth and onto my chin and I wiped it away with my hand. I was kinda worried I would hate the taste, some of the guys at the Palace told me stories about the disgusting come they’ve experienced. But luckily Kevin’s wasn’t bad at all, in fact I found just the act of swallowing it kind of erotic and hot. I waited a few minutes just lying on Kevin’s stomach waiting for him to recover from his high. Once I could hear his breathing regulate a little I climbed on top of him and pressed my lips to his for a slow and tender kiss. It was short and sweet, I was honestly too worn out to keep going so I slid off of Kevin to his side and rested my head on his shoulder, “You taste pretty good.”

Kevin snorted, “Okay, I wasn’t expecting that to come out of your mouth.”

I chucked, “Sorry, but I’ve been wondering whether or not I was going to like it since… well a long time and well, I like it… do you… like do you find it—I kinda find it hot and stuff, is that weird?”

“Not at all, I find it turns me on… like when you came in my mouth the first time, it got me a little hard. I’m sure it was a combination of knowing I was giving you such pleasure but just the taste of it too, I do like the taste of you as well just so you know... I’m just glad you won’t be spitting out my come that might be a bit of a turn off for me. 

“That will not happen. I’m so glad I can talk to you about this stuff. I mean I know Brian would talk about it if I _really_ wanted to but that would be pretty awkward and I’m pretty sure he’d have nightmares for a week.”

“You can talk to me about anything baby… so, how was your first time as a giver?”

I got up from Kevin’s chest onto my elbows to look up to Kevin, “It was beyond anything I thought it would be… It was just great, I loved it.”

Kevin smiled, “Did you like it better than being the receiver?”

I thought about it for a moment, “Um… actually no, as great as it was, that first time with you was just unbelievable, you do remember me telling you I had the best orgasm of my life right. But I mean… I like them both, not like I never want to do this again because I _definitely_ do.”

“No I get it, it’s just like how I told you how I prefer to give but I do still enjoy this from time to time.” 

“Kev, you _do_ realize we’re perfect for each other, right?” Kevin chuckled, “I’m serious, we’re made for each other!”

Kevin reached up and gave me a peck on the lips, “I guess you’re right… hey I was wondering something. I know this was your first time as a giver but what was your actual first time like?”

I shrugged, “It was nothing special. It was with a client when I was seventeen. I was pretty nervous about it and luckily Howie was working there at the time so I talked to him before I had to do it. He told me to make sure to prep myself well beforehand, ‘cause once you get with a client they are not going to care and go gentle or anything. So, I prepped myself the best I could. It still hurt a lot cause, well Howie was right, he didn’t go slow and I didn’t really get a chance to get used to anything. It just felt weird and I felt really awkward but yeah… it was nothing special,” Kevin stroked my back, “What about you? I know your first time was with Andrew, but how was it?”

“Well, I can definitely relate to the awkward part. We were such good friends that it was really awkward taking that step with him, but we were together and we figured that was the next step in our relationship. We both really had no idea what we were doing, like how to position ourselves, it was a mess. It wasn’t bad really, it was pretty nice but not mind-blowing or anything.”

“Have you had sex with a lot of guys?”

“Uh, well I—“

“I’m sorry, that just came out. Sometimes I say things without thinking, you don’t have to answer that.”

Kevin rolled his eyes, “Nick stop apologizing jeez. You’re my boyfriend and I love you, you can—I’m pretty sure we already covered this but you can ask me anything you want. I want to know all of you and I want you to know all of me, okay?” I bit my lip and nodded, “Altogether I’ve had sex with four people. There was Andrew, I had two short relationships after that, and you.” 

My eyes bugged out, “Really! That’s it? But you’re so good at it and you’re so hot, I thought for sure there’d been more,” Kevin chucked and I dropped my head to his shoulder, “I should stop talking now.”

“Hey, if you want to keep saying stuff like that go right ahead,” He brought his hand to my chin and lifted my head, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I tilted my head down and kissed his hand, “Can we please take a nap now, I’m exhausted.” Kevin didn’t say anything he just turned me around and curled up behind me. 

We spent the next few days being lazy and basically making love like crazy people until I decided I should probably unpack before I ran out of clean underwear to wear—since I wasn’t wearing much else for the past few days. Kevin told me he had absolutely no problem with me walking around naked, which I actually considered for a moment since I hate unpacking so much. But figured I only had about seven bags of belongings to unpack so I might as well get it over with. When I went back home with Brian to grab my stuff, I only took the essentials, the less memories I had from that place the better.

“This shouldn’t take too long… I don’t have much.”

“Well anything in this home is yours now. It’s your home too.”

I walked over to Kevin and gave him a soft kiss, “Thank you, but all I need is you.”

“Oh you’re gettin’ all cheesy again.”

I rolled my eyes and went back to my bag to unpack, “Way to ruin a moment Kev… and I can’t help it, so deal with it.”

Kevin laughed, “Sorry… what’s in this one,” Kevin held up a bag, “it doesn’t look like clothes.”

I looked over my shoulder and walked over to the bag, “Oh, these are my sketches.”

“Can I take a look?”

“Yeah, sure,” I pulled out one of my sketch pads and handed it to Kevin.

“Nick, when you told me you drew pictures, you made it seem like you just doodled around or something in your spare time… these are incredible.”

I chuckled, “They’re all right.”

“They’re more than all right… where did you learn to sketch?”

“Well I learned the basics you could say in school, and I loved it so much I started drawing things at home. Whenever things were really bad, drawing was my escape… my escape from reality I guess. I used to draw pictures of places that I wished I could be instead of where I was… like this house here,” I showed him a picture of my small dream home as a kid, “As time went on I kind of ran out of happy places so I started to draw portraits, most of which were Brian as you can tell, some of Howie and me.” I took out a second sketch pad and held it close to me, “I just started a new one… of you. I only have like two finished but yeah…” I handed it over to Kevin. 

He opened it to the first picture and smiled, when he finished he closed it and looked at me with tears in his eyes, “These are beautiful, Nick.”

I shrugged my shoulders, “You have the perfect face for drawing you know, strong features, and just perfect.”

Kevin laughed, “Yeah I can tell you had fun drawing my eyebrows.”

“Those are the best, so much fun to draw!”

“Hey, I just thought of something. I have a friend, Matt, who owns a gallery, I could show him some of your drawings.”

“Show him? Why?”

“Well these are really good to me but I’m no expert, maybe he could help you out with your sketches… Or maybe he’ll want to put some of them up for sale; he does have a lot of local artists on display around his gallery.”

“Display? These aren’t that great, Kev.”

“You don’t know that, let me do this, please.”

It would be pretty great to get tips from a professional, I guess it couldn’t hurt. “Okay, you can show them… Brian would love having his face on display.”


	14. Chapter 14

Kevin’s friend Matt ended up liking the sketches and wanted to meet with me. When I met him, he told me that although he liked them he had a big gallery event, the biggest one he has all year, and he gets a lot of local artists as well as artists all over wanting their pictures up. He didn’t think my pictures were right for the event, which I basically understood as they weren’t good enough, but he told me that the event was still a few months away and I still had time to come up with something. And although my portraits were good, he wanted to see more in depth portraits, to dig deep and sketch something that really means something to me. He said if I couldn’t come up with anything he would definitely display my portraits once the event was over.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

Kevin looked up from his book as I walked in the living room, “Hey babe, how’d it go?”

I plopped myself down next to Kevin on the couch and snuggled into his side, “Okay I guess.”

Kevin put a bookmark in his spot, closed the book and placed it to the side. He gathered me in his arms and kissed the top of my head.

I turned my head and faced him,”He liked them, but he has this big event and he said they’re not good enough for it. He told me I still had time to draw something else, but I’m blank, I don’t know what to draw.”

Kevin rubbed my arms, “Did he say what he was looking for?”

“Yeah, well kinda… he said he wants me to "dig deep" and draw something that means something to me.”

“How much time do you have?”

“Like two months.”

“That’s plenty of time, Nick your portraits are wonderful but maybe they are just too normal. I know Matt, while he can appreciate someone’s talent; he is more impressed with something outside of the ordinary, something that means something to an artist. It doesn’t always need to be something about you, but it can. It can be something creative out of your imagination or something that’s from the heart and soul of who you are, I know that’s what he’s looking for. And I know you can do that, your drawings of all the happy places you drew were from your imagination… I just think you need to explore a little more, maybe find some different methods of getting inspired and you’ll find something.”

“I knew I would feel better after talking to you,” I gave him a quick peck on the lips and shot up from the couch.

“Where are you going?”

I didn’t even stop to answer, just ran up the stairs towards my sketch pads, “Getting started!”

I was in Kevin’s room all day sitting in bed trying to find some inspiration. I listened to music, looked through books, looked on the internet at some of my favorite artists, and looked through all of my older sketches to see if they would help me come up with something. But in the end, just lying there engrossed in my imagination ended up helping me the most and I finally came up with what I wanted to draw. 

Once I had my ideas, I worked on my sketches every day, all day and night. Sometimes I would change my mind and start over after looking at a drawing and finding it mediocre. I knew I still had a lot of time but I wanted them finished so I could just relax and not feel so tense.

“Nick.”

I was so entranced in what I was doing I didn’t even notice Kevin walking into the room. I looked up from my sketch, “Huh?”

“Can you take a break?”

Kevin looked so hesitant, almost unsure of whether or not to disturb me. He looked so cute that I had to bite back a laugh. I dropped my pencil, and moved my pad to the side, then patted the bed with my hand. 

Kevin smiled and crawled onto my lap with his head on my thigh and arms wrapped around my waist. He nuzzled his face into my shirt covered stomach and sighed, “I miss you.”

I stroked the side of his face and ran my fingers through his thick hair, “I miss you too.” 

We stayed laying there in a comfortable silence. I can’t believe I haven’t done this in a few days, I must have been out of my mind, I could lie here forever, “I’m so sorry baby, I’ve been so caught up in my work that sometimes I don’t even realize how much time has gone by.”

“Yes I know. That’s why I have to remind you of necessities like eating and sleep.”

“And spending time with the love of my life, I’m sorry… Okay, now that I’m with you I don’t ever want to go back to my drawings, you are a bad influence.”

Kevin chuckled and lifted my shirt a little to expose my stomach, he caressed my skin in feather light touches then brushed his lips against the skin. I got goose bumps just from the faintest feel of his skin on mine. He flicked his tongue out and glided it around my stomach then pressed down and sucked the area. Seconds later, he gave it a soft rub and kiss, and then laid back down on my lap.

Right when I’m ready to get all into it he stops. “Don’t stop now.” 

“Hmmm?”

Clearly Kevin was still in relax mode, I on the other hand, had other things on my mind. I scooted down to lie next to Kevin grabbed his face and pressed my lips to his. I didn’t even give him a chance to respond before I shoved my tongue into his mouth in a demanding and deep kiss. I moved my hands to his shoulders and pushed him onto his back straddling his waist. Once I was on top of him I sat up and took off my shirt. 

“Fuck,” Kevin panted.

I smirked, “Well that’s what I was hoping we’d do, take off your shirt.”  
Kevin sat up and fumbled with his shirt trying to get it off his body, while I worked on his pants. I stopped once I had the zipper down and climbed off the bed. This isn’t exactly how I wanted to do this. 

“Stand up,” I basically dragged Kevin off of the bed.

“Ok, what’s gotten into you?”

“I want you to fuck me.”

Kevin chuckled, “Yeah, I got that much.”

“No, Kev I want you to _fuck_ me, I don’t want to make love, don’t want it slow and sweet, I want it hard and rough, and I want it now,” I saw Kevin Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed hard. Before he could respond to me I started working on his pants again, once I got them past his ass, Kevin pushed my arm away and undid my pants pushing them along with my boxers down to my knees. He grabbed my hips and turned me around. 

“Bend over baby.” 

I bent over with my hands flat against the bed as Kevin grabbed some lube and a condom. Once he returned he pulled my pants all the way down to my ankles and spread my legs.  
I honestly didn’t know _what_ came over me, I was so hot and just wanted to feel him inside me now. I’ve never felt such longing, such desire, basically an all-consuming hunger for sex; not just any sex but hard, rough sex. Not even caring about the pain but relishing the painful pleasure of it all. 

I could feel the head of his cock teasing my hole and I looked over my shoulder, “Just do it Kev.” My head fell against my arm as he pushed in until buried completely inside me, not wasting a second before slowly moving in and out. “Faster,” With a solid hold on my hips he increased his pace sending jolts of pleasure throughout my body. I sunk to my elbows and looked back at Kevin wanting to watch him. He had his eyes closed, mouth open moaning out in pleasure with a thin sheen of sweat covering his face; he looked so hot. He had my hips in a death grip and I watched his hips move furiously, thrusting in and out of me, the sight made it all the better. I freed one foot from my pants and spread my legs wider then pushed myself into him hoping to drive him in harder and deeper. His eyes opened connecting with mine as one hand moved to my lower back and glided its way up my spine to my shoulder. With a tight grip on my shoulder and hip, he slammed in harder and pulled me back hard with his every thrust, my head arched back as I cried out. 

I could feel his weight on my back and his tongue sucking the skin at the nape of my neck sending a delicious shiver up my spine. Kevin cupped my cheek and tilted my head towards his and our lips met in a heated kiss. I turned into him lifting my hand up and around the back of his neck to deepen the kiss. Both of Kevin’s hands wrapped around me, one shifted lower wrapping firmly around my cock to stroke me in tune with his thrusts. While the other moved up to pinch and rub my sensitive nipples, I dug my fingers into Kevin's neck and whimpered into the kiss. “I’m close baby, come with me,” he said in a husky voice. Each stroke added to the searing tension building within me until my body hit its peak and finally let go. With my hands clenching the sheets, I buried my face into the bed and screamed at the force of my climax feeling my body twitch and jerk beyond my control. I have no idea what came out of my mouth as I came, but I’m pretty sure Kevin’s name was mixed into the nothingness of moans and words pouring out. 

Kevin rolled off of me onto his back and looked over to me, “Damn.”

I gave a small smile back as words seemed like too much work at the moment. After five minutes of lying on my stomach, I finally got my ass up and crawled over to Kevin. We both moved up a bit so we were actually fully on the bed and snuggled close to one another. 

I rubbed my nose with his and softly pressed my lips to his, “That was just… just what I needed, thank you.”

“Why are you always thanking me for having sex with you, you do realize I want it too right?”

I chuckled, “Yeah I know, but you’ve been so… you’ve waited until I was ready to take a new step each time and you always seem to know exactly what I need. I know there’s probably stuff that you want to do but you’re always so concerned about me, and how it will affect me. I don’t know if you know how much this moment means to me. I never thought—I was afraid I would never get here. I was afraid of taking this step, of anything other than making love. I really thought I would never enjoy, or even want, really wild, rough, almost frantic passionate sex. Thinking that maybe it would take me back to that day and I would end up losing it or something. But not once while we were having sex did it even cross my mind. I’m not sure how I got here, got past it all, but I’m pretty sure it’s got something to do with you. No, you know what, it _is_ because of you. I trust you completely and… you’ve just shown me so much love, Kevin, you make all the bad go away. I’m just so happy right now and I want you to know that you don’t have to worry about me anymore. I’m ready for it all; I want to experience it all with you.”

“I’m so happy to hear you say that baby. But I don’t think you can give me _all_ the credit. Getting past traumatic experiences takes a lot of strength and while other people can help build you up, you have to be strong enough to stand on your own. I told you this before, you’re stronger than you think. And I know I haven’t had anything traumatic happen in my life but you’ve changed my life for the better too. I’ve never been happier.”

I pushed Kevin back and rolled on top of him. “We really are two lovesick happy people.”

“That we are.”

I trailed kisses from his jaw line down to his neck, “This may be a problem though. I’m addicted to you now and maybe even a little addicted to sex. I just want to have sex with you all the time. How in the world am I going to get anything done?”

“You don’t hear me complaining.” 

I turned my head back to Kevin and lifted my hand to his forehead pulling his hair back, “I’m serious baby, I want to learn everything about your body. Taste every inch, feel every inch, I want to find every spot on your body that turns you on.”

“Nick, anywhere you touch me will turn me on.”

I tilted Kevin’s head to the side and dropped my head sucking on the lower side of Kevin’s neck. I felt Kevin shiver and he moaned out. I pulled back, “Okay, so I want to find every spot on your body that will get _that_ kind of reaction, I only got the one so far, other than the obvious of course.” Kevin moved his hand down my spine then massaged an area right between my hips which sent a jolt of pleasure straight to my cock. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead against his, “Fuck.” 

“Two can play that game, you tease.”

“Don’t start this Kev, I’m only a second away from attacking you again.”

Kevin chuckled, “Okay, I’ll stop… I was wondering something, I noticed that you—I kind of thought you’d have some scars on your back.”

“Oh, yeah. He didn’t hit me hard enough to draw blood, thankfully—I mean it was still hard and hurt _a lot_ , but it didn’t do any permanent damage. Most of them went away in like a month or something. I do have one small scar,” I rolled off of Kevin and turned a little more towards him to show him a tiny scar I had on the side of my back, “right here. I guess this one was pretty bad so it never went away fully, but you can’t see it unless you’re really close.”

Kevin leaned down to take a look running his thumb over the tiny scar then pressed his lips over it softly. He moved back up and buried his face into my chest holding me tight, “You’re okay now.”

I smiled and kissed the top of his head then wrapped my arms around his shoulders, “I know… I am now.” 


	15. Chapter 15

I finally finished all my sketches, they took over two weeks, well officially less than that but I kept looking them over and making small changes until one day I was so annoyed with myself I knew I had to stop and let them be.

When I took them to Matt, he loved them, he said he knew I had the potential to dig a little deeper and couldn’t wait to see what else I came up with in the future. I was thrilled my drawings made the cut for the event but also a little nervous. Digging deeper meant displaying a little bit of myself in the sketches, so it was a little hard to put them out on display for the world to see. But I figured no ordinary person knows who I am or really cares about my life, and they might just think it was something from my imagination. 

I didn’t show anyone but Matt my sketches or even tell them what the sketches were, I wanted them to be a surprise. I was sort of re-thinking my decision when I thought about what their reactions might be; they could all hate them, think they’re not that great, and I can definitely read Brian and Kevin well enough to know. But I slapped myself in the face and told myself to get over it, this is what I wanted when I started the sketches and I was going to follow through with it no matter what their reactions are. If they hate it, I’ll deal with it when the time comes, and most likely bawl my eyes out.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

I was so nervous on the day of the event, I had butterflies in my stomach, my throat felt dry and my palms were a sweaty mess, I really hope I don’t have to shake anyone’s hand. Kevin took me shopping and bought me my very first suit. I felt so out of place in it, but it did boost up my confidence a little, it’s funny how just a nice suit can do that to a person.

I went to the gallery hours before the event actually started, Matt asked me if I wanted to help set up my display and I thought it would be a pretty good idea. I also wanted to take a look at some of the other artists’ work, some of them were covered but I did get a glance at a few. Luckily I didn’t feel so out of place when it came to my sketches, there was a little bit of everything, everyone’s sketches did seem unique and personal which calmed a bit of my nerves. However, once the event started and people started walking in, the feelings came back with a vengeance.

I walked around the gallery hoping to run into Kevin, Brian and Howie. Kevin and Brian said they were coming together while Howie was coming with his boyfriend. I finally spotted Brian looking at a painting and walked briskly—well practically ran over to him. 

“Brian!” I engulfed him in a huge hug.

“Hey, wow, look at you in a tux, lookin’ good,” Brian winked.

“Thanks, hey, when did you get your suit?”

“Meh, it’s not as fancy as yours but I kinda figured I couldn’t wear jeans here so I picked this up.”

I can’t believe he bought a suit just for this. “Was it a lot, you should have told me, I should have paid for—”

“Nick, it wasn’t that much, and it was worth it for a day like today.”

“You’d tell me if you needed anything right?”

“Of course I would, I’m getting more hours at the restaurant though so don’t worry about me.”

I breathed a sigh of relief, “Okay good, hey where’s Kev?”

“Oh! Sorry I forgot to mention, he’s going to be here soon, something came up so he told me to tell you he’ll be a little late. Howie and David should be here soon too, he’s a pretty nice guy I’m sure you’ll like him.”

“Cool, okay you have to see my sketches and tell me what you think before Kevin get’s here,” I grabbed Brian’s arm and dragged him over to my display.

I watched him closely as he looked them over and smiled, I could tell he liked them. 

“Nick, these are amazing, I…” He stopped and gave me a bone crushing hug, “I’m so proud of you.”

I had to swallow the lump in my throat, oh god, I’m not going to cry. “Thanks Bri, that means the world to me, do you think—“

“He’s gonna love them,” Brian interrupted, reading my mind. 

“Hey guys,” Howie walked over and gave me a hug.

“Thanks so much for coming Howie.”

He flayed his hands in the air, “No need to thank me, I wouldn’t miss this for the world. Oh… Nick let me introduce you to my boyfriend. He tugged on the arm of the guy next to him looking at a piece of work and led him over to us, “Nick this is David, David, Nick.”

David held out his hand, “It’s nice to meet you, Nick”

I froze, coming face to face with one of my rapists.


	16. Chapter 16

My throat went completely dry as I stood there staring at the man; the man who violated me, humiliated me, took a piece of me with him that day. My heart was thumping hard in my chest, my mind was screaming at me to run but I was literally frozen in my spot. I wasn’t even sure if I was breathing or not, but I was still standing and still alive so I guess I was. Although, clearly not enough as I was starting to feel really light-headed. 

Brian watched as all the colour drained from Nick’s face, “Nick? You okay buddy?”

“K-Kev,” I croaked out 

Brian looked over to Howie, “Howie, can you call Kev to see if he’s on his way?”

Howie nodded and walked away, David following behind him.

Brian stepped in front of me and rubbed his hands up and down my arms, “Nick, you’re shaking, c’mon let’s go find somewhere to sit.” He put his arm around my waist and guided me over to the side of the gallery. “There’s nowhere to sit.”

I licked my dry lips, “Outside.”

We walked outside and found a bench nearby to sit on. I don’t even know how I was moving, my body felt detached from me, almost numb and hollow. Once we got seated I breathed in the cool, outside air. I felt like I was suffocating, I hooked my finger around my tie and loosened it. 

“Nick, you look like you’re going to faint, I’m going to get you some water.”

Brian started to get up but I grabbed his arm firmly, “No, please don’t leave me.”

“Okay, I won’t.” Brian got settled back on the bench and stroked my back, “Did you eat anything today? I bet you were so worried about today that you forgot to eat, didn’t you.” 

I shook my head, “That guy... Brian h-he—”

“Nick!”

My head shot up and I jumped off the bench towards Kevin and wrapped myself in his arms. Kevin held me tight and kissed me on my temple, “Baby, what’s wrong?”

I shook my head, I didn’t want to talk yet, I just wanted to be in Kevin’s safe, strong arms. 

“You’re shaking.” 

Kevin ran his arms up and down my back and just when I felt calm enough to tell him what happened, Howie and David walked outside. 

Howie walked right next to Kevin with David by his side, “Nick, are you all right?”

Kevin turned around to face Howie, “No, he’s shaking I think—“

The next thing I knew David was on the ground and Kevin was on top of him punching him in the face, “You motherfucker, what the fuck are you doing here?”

I stood there frozen to my spot yet again watching all the chaos in front of me. Howie and Brian grabbed Kevin’s arms and struggled to pull him off of David. They finally lifted him up and Kevin swung his legs getting a few kicks in before they moved him far enough away from David to do harm. 

Howie looked furious, “Kevin, what the fuck is your problem? Brian do you have him?”

“Yeah, I got him,” Brian wrapped both of Kevin’s arms behind his back.

Howie crouched down in front of David helping him sit up, “Are you okay babe?” David Spat out some blood from his mouth and nodded. Howie got up and walked up to Kevin, “Kevin, you better tell me right now what the fuck is going on.” 

I couldn’t see Kevin ‘cause his back was to me but I could hear him panting heavily and his fists were clenched so tight I could see the veins popping out of his arms. ”Do you know who this guy is, do you have any idea what he’s done?”

I started to get a bad feeling in my stomach, Kevin was about to tell them who this guy was and I did not want to be there for it. Although I had been glued to my spot from the moment David walked outside, my desire to get away from the situation gave me all the momentum I needed, and I ran. 

“Nick!”

I didn’t go very far, just far enough so I didn’t have to see them, didn’t have to hear Kevin tell them who David was and what he did to me. I went around the corner from the gallery, passed a bar and another shop and then saw a small coffee shop. It was open but I didn’t feel like being around anyone so I went to one of the tables outside. I sat down on the seat and rubbed my face with my hands. This is not how I pictured this night going. I had been waiting for this night for the past two months but of course nothing goes the way it’s supposed to, and now it’s ruined. I hadn’t thought about the rape in a while, but seeing that guys face made it feel like just yesterday. He’s just walking around acting normal, living his life just like anyone else as if that day never happened, while I’m here still suffering, still dealing with the aftermath. It’s not fair.

I leaned my head back and breathed in the cool night air. I pictured Kevin’s face in my head and felt some of the tension lifting off my shoulders. I’d been trying different things for a while to get me through moments like these, but the only thing that seemed to work was being with Kevin. I knew that more often than not, my darkest moments came when I was by myself. So I found that by just closing my eyes and picturing Kevin, feeling his love helped me get through the rough patches.

“Nick?”

I looked to my side to see Brian. His eyes were a little red and his face was a little flushed letting me know he’d just been crying. 

“Can I sit?”

I nodded and sat back up in my chair.

Brian pulled up a chair beside me and tilted it towards me a little. Once seated, he put his hand on top of mine; I turned my hand around to link our fingers. 

“Do you know?” I asked already knowing the answer but wanting to hear him say it anyways.

“I’m so sorry, Nick. Kevin’s talking to him and Howie right now... He doesn’t remember you.”

My head whipped around to Brian, “What? What do you mean he doesn’t remember?”

Brian rubbed his thumb against my hand, “Well I didn’t get the full story cause I told them I was going to come look for you. Kevin wanted to run after you the second you left but Howie grabbed him and told him he needed to explain himself. I knew you wouldn’t go far otherwise I would have gone after you, but I could tell you just didn’t want to be there.”

Yup he knew me well.

“Kevin told us who David was... what he did,” Brian stopped and pinched the bridge of his nose, something he always did when he was trying not to cry, which made me want to cry so I had to look away from him, “David didn’t deny it but does—basically he said he was so high on drugs and although he remembers the fact that he raped someone, he didn’t remember who it was. Howie jumped in and said he had some things he wanted to tell Kevin, and that’s about the time I left to go look for you. I didn’t really want to hear anymore and... I needed find you.”

“I can’t believe he doesn’t remember me.”

“Do you want me to take you home Nick?”

I thought about it for a minute then shook my head, “No, this is such an important night for me, something I have been waiting for and... I don’t want David to ruin it,” I turned my head to Brian, “Can you please make sure he leaves though. I don’t want to see his face.”

“Of course, I’m glad you want to stay, this _is_ a big night for you and you deserve to enjoy it... I just need to say that I’m here for you, we all are, you’re not going to go through this alone. He let go of my hand and got up from his seat, “Come back in about five minutes, I’ll make sure he’s gone”

I smiled at him, “Thanks Bri.”

The first person I saw as I walked towards the gallery was Kevin, sitting on the bench outside of the gallery. When he spotted me from a distance he walked towards me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders holding me tight. “I love you.”

I smiled against his cheek, he knew he didn’t need to ask me if I was ok, he already knew I wasn’t, “I love you too.”

He pulled back, grabbed the sides of my head and kissed me all over my face over and over until I scrunched up my nose and giggled. He stopped and gave me a warm smile, “I don’t want to talk about it until we get home, I want to go in there and enjoy this moment with you and then we can go home and talk about it.”

“That is just what I want Kev.”

“Good, let’s go inside then, I can’t wait to see your sketches,” Kevin grabbed my hand and we made our way inside.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

I bit my lip as he looked at the pictures, waiting for a reaction.

“You’re so talented, this drawing is so dark and heartbreaking, it’s absolu— Nick stop staring at me like that.”

“Sorry.” 

The first sketch was my version of the “punish room” my step-dad used to leave me in. There was a person in the centre of the picture who was naked and sitting with his legs up covering his face and his arms wrapped around his legs. He was sitting in a room but the walls of the room surrounded him which made it look almost like a cage. That was my true vision when I started this drawing, to make this room represent a cage, and being trapped inside. I didn’t want to make it exactly like it was for me, being tied up in a room, but how I actually thought of it. I always felt like I was in a cage, like I was an animal unable to defend myself or escape. While the drawing was mainly dark, I did include the small window from the room that was bolted shut. The small flicker of light that came from the window shone on the person sitting there. 

While my first sketch had the face covered, my second sketch did not, and it was a drawing of Kevin and me. When I first started thinking about what I wanted to draw, the only thing that came to mind over and over was Kevin, which isn’t unusual since he’s on my mind 99 percent of the time, but I wanted to draw something special for Kevin. I wanted to make him see how much he means to me, and to show him how much of an impact he’s had on my life. This was not an easy thing to do and just trying to decide what to draw took longer than the drawing itself. 

“This picture is beautiful. I know this is me and you but... am I supposed to be an angel or something and are you dead?” Kevin asked inspecting the sketch closely.

“No, well sorta. I wanted to draw a picture to represent how you saved my life in a way, which is really hard, I should add,” Kevin smiled, “So, I was trying to think of different ways people get saved and I thought of a fire fighter and how they save people from burning buildings all the time. In this picture you are like the fire fighter and I am the person you are saving from the fire, that’s why it looks like I’m dead but... we can just say I’m unconscious or something. Visually I thought it looked better with my head back and my body completely limp.”

While this sketch was inspired by a fire fighter rescuing someone, my sketch portrayed Kevin as an angel, although I didn’t actually put a halo on his head, instead I tried to make him light and not as structurally detailed, as if he was not fully there. I was naked again in this picture—no visual of little Nick however— I simply found it more pure and visually pleasing this way. Instead of Kevin’s hands under me holding me up, I had myself sort of floating in a position as if he were carrying me and his hands were just under me but not actually touching me. For this sketch I wanted to show that I was almost broken inside and alone, but Kevin came along and was my light, my saviour.

“See how there’s light around you and you’re looking down towards me. I was trying to show that light as... I dunno, happiness and love, and you’re trying to bring that to me... I just feel like you saved me more emotionally than physically—well not that you haven’t physic—no never mind, you know what I mean.” I noticed the tears rimming Kevin’s eyes as I finished.

Kevin came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder, “I love it baby, thank you,” I’m sure I was grinning like an idiot. I kissed him on the tip of his nose and he unexpectedly shot up from my shoulder, “Wait, I don’t want someone to buy this, I want it.”  
I grabbed his arm and pulled him towards me swinging my arms around his neck, “I kept the original one I drew and sketched another, it’s waiting for you at home.”

“You’re amazing.”

“I know,” I gave him a toothy grin and pressed my lips to his for a soft and tender kiss.

“Ahem.”

I looked over Kevin’s shoulder seeing Brian standing there looking quite uncomfortable. I untangled myself from Kevin and reached for his hand, linking our fingers, “Hey, Bri.”

“Oh, so you do still remember I’m here and that there’s a room full of people, that’s good to know.”

I looked down slightly embarrassed, “Sorry, we got a little carried away.”

Brian rolled his eyes, “A little, I was afraid if I didn’t interrupt you, you two would be a display all on your own.”

“Way to exaggerate Brian, it was just a little kiss.”

“A little kiss, more like making out.”

“We were not making out.”

“Only ‘cause I stopped you. If I waited two minutes the kissing would have led to making out, which would have led to sex on the display table.”

“Okay, we would not have—”

“Alright,” Kevin interrupted lifted his hand, “that’s enough, how about we walk around a little and look at some of the other drawings.”

“Fine.” Brian and I said simultaneously. We looked at each other and burst out laughing.

Kevin shook his head, “You two are nuts.”


	17. Chapter 17

We ended up staying at the gallery until it was closing and they were basically dragging us—or just me, out of there. I did not want to leave, I got a chance to talk to so many artists and while some of them were real snobs, most of them were rather pleasant. There was one artist who had all these dark, mysterious paintings, even his appearance was dark. He was dressed in all black, big black sunglasses, a black hat, I could see tattoos peeking out from his rolled up shirt which looked like it covered his whole arm. He looked really intimidating but I loved his paintings so much I felt the need to tell him how great they were. Well turns out I’m an idiot and I should have learned from the phrase I learned in school ‘never judge a book by its cover’. His name was AJ, and he was the total opposite of what I thought he would be. We ended up talking for about a half hour until we decided to just exchange numbers and get together sometime. I was thrilled, I ran up to Kevin and Brian with what I’m sure was a ridiculously huge grin on my face and showed them my new artist friend’s number. I didn’t end up selling either of my pieces which didn’t bother me seeing as it was only the first event I have been to. And I knew Matt would keep them on display and continue to display my work in the future which is enough to make me happy for now. 

After the gallery, Kevin, Brian and I went to the small coffee shop by the gallery to sit and celebrate a successful night for me. They did let me have one glass of champagne during the event but figured that was enough since I was already hopped full of energy, I’m also 99 percent sure the coffee they ordered me was decaf. We sat and enjoyed each other’s company talking about some of our favourite pieces and some of the people we got to meet at the event. I was glad they both seemed to enjoy the night just as much as I did.  
Kevin and I stumbled home late and thoroughly exhausted. We got right out of our clothes and straight into bed. 

“Thanks for tonight, Kev.”

“No need to thank me, I’m glad I got to be there today and I had a great time too.”

“Not just for coming but for taking my mind off of everything. Both you and Brian actually made me forget the whole fiasco with David. Well I shouldn’t say forget, since it still popped into my head every now and then but I had so much fun with you guys that I didn’t let it get me down.”

“Good, I’m glad.”

“I think I’m... can you tell me what he said?”

Kevin caressed my hip, “I didn’t talk to David, I couldn’t even look at him without wanting to slam my fist into his face, so I talked to Howie instead. Howie told me he wants to talk to you about everything. I don’t know him very well so I’m guessing he didn’t feel comfortable opening up to me, all he told me was that he knew about the rape—but not that it was you. I guess David had told Howie that he had raped someone but not who the guy was,” Kevin sighed, “I wish I had more to tell you but I don’t know all the details, all Howie kept saying was that he needs to talk to you about it. I don’t even think he had the ability to tell me more, he looked so stunned.”

“He doesn’t—didn’t know I was raped.”

“Are you mad that I—”

“No,” I shook my head, “Of course the less people that know the better. But I know in that situation you kinda had no choice, I’m not mad at you for telling him, he would have found out anyways... I think I should to talk to him, Howie I mean. Maybe even tomorrow or something. I need to know everything now otherwise it’ll be all I’ll think about.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

I called Howie first thing in the morning and he told me he’d drop by after his shift at 5’oclock. I was restless all day trying to keep myself busy so the time would go by faster. I did all the laundry we had to do, the dishes, I even started dusting around the house; I’m sure Kevin will be elated when he gets home. By the time 5’oclock rolled around I was on the couch just waiting for the doorbell to ring. I was sitting staring at the clock when at 5:21 the doorbell finally rang. I ran to the door and opened it wide.

“Hey, Nick”

“Hey, Howie, come in,” I moved to the side but instead of walking past me, Howie walked right up to me and enveloped me in a warm embrace. 

“I’m sorry I’m late, I got a little lost,” Howie said as he patted my back. He pulled back gave me a small smile and walked into the living room.

I sat down on the couch across from him and rubbed my palms on my knees, “Um... do you want something to drink?”

“No, I’m fine... Look I’m really sorry about last night. I don’t want you to think I left with David because I don’t care about what he did to you because that’s _far_ from the truth. I’ve known you for a long time now and you have become like a part of my family, I care about you a lot and I need you to know that.” I nodded, “It was just such a shock to hear, not what David did but... I had no idea that happened to you Nick, and then to have to process that my boyfriend was the cause of it was a little too much for me. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you but I just needed to go home to... to think.”

“It’s okay, don’t eat yourself up about that, I understand. And I had Kevin and Brian so I was okay.”

Howie nodded, “Good, I’m glad... So, I guess I’ll start from the beginning. I know the whole story; the only part I didn’t know was you... One of the guys I used to work with at the Palace, before you got there, was celebrating his one year sobriety by throwing a party, and that’s where I met David. David had just gotten out of rehab and started some AA meetings which is where he met Chris, my friend. So anyways, long story short we both hit it off at the party. We went out a few times and it was a week into us dating when David told me he had a huge secret that could mean the end of our relationship. He shared his battle with drugs and alcohol explaining how he was in so deep he would do really stupid things, but one particular day he did something atrocious. He said he was really fucked up one day and he along with two of his former friends had raped someone. All the details were a blur, but he had a small recollection of it happening the morning after. He was certain it was just his imagination or a dream or something but when he met up with his friends later that day, they basically confirmed it. That was the day he decided to go into rehab. He told me not a day goes by when he doesn’t think about it, think about the fact that he let things get so far where he could actually do something so horrendous and hardly remember the next day. He’s talked to me about the victim so many times Nick, he’s always wondered about you and what kind of damage he had done to that person... sometimes the guilt took over and he would just cry for hours and I didn’t know what to do. He still asks me time and time again why I am still with him. When he confessed I thought about leaving, It was so hard to hear, to know that he did something so awful... I thought a lot about mine and Brian’s mom. She got caught up in drugs and alcohol years ago when I was younger. She tried to stay clean but eventually she got sucked back in and everyone abandoned her: me, Brian’s dad and eventually Brian. She was not herself anymore and did some unthinkable things, nothing as bad as David but... there was just nothing to wake her up I guess. Maybe she’s too far gone and there’s no bringing her back but I felt like what happened with you really affected David... you know, sometimes people do make mistakes. This is one that he is going to have to live with for the rest of his life. The fact that once he realized what he did, he got help that same day, is why I stayed. I know he hates the person he used to be and just wants to be better and I told him that most people, maybe not all, deserve a second chance... I’m not saying that you should forgive him or anything, I... I dunno Nick.”

I just sat there silently, trying to process everything Howie had said. “What about the other two?”

“One of them passed away not too long ago from an overdose, the other one David doesn’t speak to anymore, and he actually has no idea where he is. He tried to get them both into rehab with him but they wouldn’t do it.”

I bit my lip and nodded. With everything he said there was still something I wondered, “Why... why did it do it? Did he—did he tell you why?”

“He doesn’t know for sure but... David and his friends used to go down that street a lot, there was someone there who was their supplier and they also heard it was a good place to go if you wanted to have sex. He said he remembers it was either the day before the rape or two days before, when David and his friends overheard a guy offering himself to someone, the person turned him down so they approached the guy. The guy shot them down and said he doesn’t offer his services to druggies. David said they were all really pissed about being shot down and kept talking about getting back at him. I don’t know if that’s the reason cause he said he doesn’t remember a whole lot of what went on in his head at that time.”

“I remember... that makes sense.”

Howie furrowed his brows, “What does?”

“Well one of David’s friends was the guy who approached me and he asked me if I offer my services to druggies. I was kind of thrown off by the question and I think I said ‘I dunno’ or ‘not really’, something like that, just cause I never had sex with one that I knew of and I didn’t really know what to say to him. And well... that was the last thing he said before, you know...”

“God Nicky, I’m so sorry for what happened.” 

“It’s not your fault Howie.”

“I know... He wants to talk to you Nick.”

“David?”

“Yeah, he was so upset last night and he really wants to talk to you. He asked me to ask you, but only if your okay with it. He wants to apologize... I don’t think he’s looking for forgiveness or expecting it even, but it’s just something he needs to do.”

I bit my lip considering whether or not this was something I wanted to do or could do. It was a little refreshing to get some insight into why the rape happened and learn a little bit about David. But it isn’t the same hearing it from Howie. I know it’s going to be harder to hear things directly from David but I think it’s something I need. I need to look at him in the eyes just to validate the sincerity behind his apology. I looked over to Howie and let out a shaky breath, “Can I bring Kevin?”

“Of course Nick, whatever makes it easier for you.”


	18. Chapter 18

I settled for staying in the comfort of my own home knowing it would help keep me relaxed, so we told Howie to invite David to our place. When he arrived we got settled into the living room, seated in pretty much the same way I had with Howie, only I had Kevin by my side, holding my hand. 

I looked over to David, for whatever reason being in his presence didn’t freak me out anymore. I don’t know if it was because of everything Howie told me, the way he looked so nervous, or just the fact that I had Kevin by my side. But he didn’t seem like the huge, crazy guy that raped me, he looked... normal. Well except for all the bruises on his face... my boyfriend sure got him good. 

“Thanks for letting me do this... I know it must be really hard,” I saw his Adam’s apple bob as he swallow hard, “I just want to tell you that... I’m so sorry,” He choked out the last word and his face crumpled and he broke down in tears, “God, sorry doesn’t even seem like enough. I feel so horrible for what I did Nick, if there was any way to take it back I would. I-I’m so sorry, so, so sorry,” He buried his face in his hands.

Great, now I’m crying. Kevin tightened his hold on me.

David sniffled and took deep breaths trying to collect himself, “I don’t really remember that day well... I was so out of control at that point in my life. My family disowned me when they found out about the drugs and everything I had went into getting high, getting my fix. I don’t even know how it got so carried away... I guess I got messed up with the wrong group of people and thought I’d experiment and stuff but... I never thought it’d get so far. There were so many things I did when I was messed up, some that I can’t even remember. It’s like a whole portion of my life is a blur and it’s—I’m just so sorry. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could take that moment back that I could take it all back. I wish I never took that first hit, never wondered what it was like... I’m sorry to you too Kevin, Howie told me you were there and I... I just can’t imagine what it was like for both of you,” He looked down for a moment then looked back up at me and I could see the tears rimming his eyes, “I didn’t tell Howie this... but if you want me out of your life, I’ll leave and you’ll never have to see me again... I don’t know what else to say. I hate myself for what I did to you, and I’m just so sorry.”

I wiped my eyes and looked down at my hands entwined with Kevin’s. I never thought this would happen. That one of the people, who caused me such misery, would sit in front of me and apologize. It was so weird. I always thought that people like him were evil, that my mom, step-dad, and the three men were monsters who just do bad things to people. But to have one of those people sit in front of me looking like a normal human being and showing remorse was not what I expected. I looked back up and into David’s eyes. He was still looking at me with tears slowly rolling down his face. He seemed sincere, and looked absolutely miserable. He looked a lot like I did a few months ago...

“I think I can forgive you.” I said softly

I heard David take a sharp intake of breath.

“I don’t want you leave Howie, it would break his heart and I couldn’t do that to him... I still need time. It’ll take time for me to be able to even be around you. I know a few people who got mixed into doing drugs and I’ve seen what it’s done to them, it’s not an excuse, it never is, because you have to choose to do it in the first place. But I keep thinking about what Howie said to me, that some people do deserve a second chance. I know some people in my life that don’t, but my gut is telling me that this is the right thing to do. I have to believe that underneath the person you were when high on drugs was good. I don’t know how I’m going to move on from this, I just know that I want to. I want to put this behind me... It must have been hard for you to come here today and face me and Kevin knowing what you did to us but I’m glad you did. I really don’t want to be the reason for someone’s misery and guilt. I know what that can do to a person so if you keep working to better yourself then maybe we can move past this. I don’t have all the answers right now but I feel like accepting your apology is the first step. I looked over to Kevin, “Do you want to say anything?”

Kevin eyes shone with unshed tears, “I think you said it beautifully baby.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

The next month was dedicated to self healing. It was a challenge every time I had to look at David but after about a week I got used to his presence. I’m still not able to have a conversation with him but I took it as a huge step in the right direction. I also called AJ and we started spending a lot of time together. He became not only someone I look to for artistic inspiration and guidance but a good friend. Both Kevin and Brian got a little jealous of all the time I was spending with him so I did have to cut back and have more one on one time with the two, they can be such babies sometimes. But I suppose I’d be the same way too.

Kevin has also been helping me overcome a big fear of mine, one I didn’t even realize I had. Ever since the rape I had anxiety with the simple task of walking somewhere along the streets on my own, especially at night. I was okay if Kevin or anyone I knew was nearby, but being completely on my own made me panic. I found this out one day when Kevin said he would be late picking me up from an art shop, which I spent over two hours in just browsing around. It was only a thirty minute walk home so I told him not to worry about picking me up. Ten minutes into my walk I really regretted my decision. All I kept thinking was that someone was going to jump at me and attack me; basically I had a full blown panic attack. I ran into the first place I spotted, which happened to be a gas station and called Kevin. He didn’t pick up which made me lose it even more resulting in a rather embarrassing crying fit. I called Brian next, who was thankfully home and begged him to come pick me up. Brian got there in lightening speed probably because of how hysterical I sounded on the phone. So, after that day, Kevin started helping me with it. He suggested seeking professional help more than once but that was never something I was into. I know I should probably give it a chance but I wanted to try to work through it on my own and seeking a professional would be a last resort. Kevin told me to keep pepper spray with me at all times, and started taking walks with me every day. He took me to a new area every day and we walked for about 30 minutes to an hour. About two weeks later, he got me to take short walks on my own, dropping me off and picking me up. It was quite an ordeal, I still can’t believe how patient Kevin is with me. I don’t know if I’m actually over it yet, knowing Kevin was going to come pick me up always put me at ease so I’m not sure how I’ll handle a regular situation of being completely on my own. But I did feel better about it, and having the pepper spray handy did help. Overall, I was happy with all the progress I made. I was moving on with my life, living each day in the present, trying not to hold onto the past or worry about what may come in the future.


	19. Chapter 19

It was a month and a half after the event when I got a phone call from Matt letting me know one of my sketches was sold. To say that I was thrilled would have been an understatement. In my excitement I forgot to even ask him which sketch he sold, so I had to call him back and found out it was the sketch of my punish room. It didn’t really matter to me which one I sold, I was just happy that someone out there liked my work enough to want to own it. 

Two days later Kevin suggested we go to the park and have a picnic since it was such a beautiful day. I agreed, even though I knew the real reason for the picnic. I overheard Brian and Kevin talking about throwing me a surprise party to celebrate the sale of my very first sketch. Brian came over the day I sold my sketch to hang out with me and Kev and when I came back from a trip to the washroom, I overhead their conversation. I don’t know if they were trying to whisper but they were pretty loud, it would have been harder not to hear. But I figured they’re both older and may already be partially deaf. I didn’t want to ruin the surprise so I had to make my presence known well ahead of time in order to get them to shut up. I knew this lovely picnic was just a ploy to get me out of the house so Brian could set up the house for the party. 

We packed some bottles of water and a fruit platter in case we got hungry, Kevin packed a book while I packed my sketch pad and we were good to go. 

We got settled in an area right by a tree which offered a little shade on the bright and sunny day. Kevin got settled onto his back to read his book while I laid on my stomach to sketch. After about twenty minutes of sketching a gust of wind blew a cluster of leaves onto my sketchpad, which I took it as a sign to take a break. I shook my pad in the air to get rid of all the leaves and shifted onto my back, resting my head on Kevin’s stomach. I looked up into the clear blue sky. It was such a beautiful day. It’s moments like these that I truly cherish; lying with the love of my life enjoying the simple things in life, not having a care in the world. How in the world did I get here?

One thing that has plagued me for as long as I can remember, was questioning the reasons behind everything that’s happened, why everything played out the way it did. Why my parents did all that horrible stuff to me, why I couldn’t just find a regular job, why I had to get raped. I had to believe that the universe had bigger plans for me, that there wasn’t just pain in my life, and sometimes it was that thinking that kept me going. As time went on, there were times where hope dwindled and I thought, nope this is just how my life is going to be forever.

I got up from my spot and settled beside Kevin, turning back onto my stomach and elbows. 

“Kev?” 

“Hmm.”

“I just thought of something.”

Kevin marked his spot in this book and turned to his side, “What’s that baby?”

“Well, I’ve always wondered why all this stuff happened to me, the reasons behind them and how I got to where I am now, and I think I finally understand. Without all the stuff my parents did, I would have never left home to live with Brian. Actually... now that I think about it, even Brian coming into my life was kind of bizarre. I mean who would have thought that I would become best friends with someone who was five years older than me. I’m pretty surprised he put up with me and my annoying self when I was a kid, and so lucky to have had someone like him to look up to. He just taught me so much; we did everything together, he taught me how to play basketball, he used to help me with my homework, he was even my first kiss, its j—

“Brian was your first kiss?”

“Oh. Yeah... did I not mention that?” I chuckled at the look on Kevin’s face “It meant nothing, I was really young and he was just helping me figure out my sexuality. Trust me, while he’s an okay kisser, it was _really_ awkward. We could hardly get through it without laughing, well it was mostly _me_ laughing, he was just getting really annoyed with me. So, back to what I was saying,” I stopped and smirked, “unless you want like details or something?” Kevin pinched my nipple through my shirt. “Ow!”

“I do not need those visuals, Nick, go on”

“I was just asking, no need to take it out on the nipples," I rubbed my nipple and looked down my t-shirt to make sure it was still intact.

“Jeez, Nick, I didn’t pinch you that hard, it’s still there, I promise.”

“They’re sensitive!” 

Kevin chuckled, “I know, okay, I’m sorry.” He bent down and gave it a little peck. “Continue.”

I smiled, “Okay, where was I... right, so living with Brian and Howie gave me the opportunity to work at the palace. As much as I hated that job, without it I would have never met you, and you,” I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his in a gentle and slow kiss, “changed everything. You gave me a reason for living, I’m not saying that without you I have no life but it was you that made me see that I have so much to live for, that things can get better. And yeah, I would be a complete mess if you ever left me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You know I feel the same way, and that I’d never leave you, right?”

“I know Kev, I just want you to know, that’s all. But anyways... at first I couldn’t figure out what the reason for the rape was, but after meeting David and forgiving him for what he did, I think maybe the rape was more for him. The rape was a pivotal moment in his life, and maybe I was the one chosen to help him recover from it. Because of what he did to me, made him want to get help, I was the person to ultimately save him, save him from the destruction he was doing to himself, and lead him to a better path. Just knowing that I was the reason for making someone want to turn their life around, takes away some of the pain from what happened. I know what I went through that day was horrible and something I will never forget, but I’m not the only one who has to live with it. I know that what David did will live with him for the rest of his life, and hopefully that will make him strive to be a better person. You know, I never realized how freeing it is to forgive someone. Seeing the pain and regret in his eyes and taking some of it away by saying I forgive him. In some weird way, it makes me feel good, to be the one to take the pain away. I know this man caused me inconceivable amounts of pain but, even though he didn’t suffer from the physical pain, the emotional amount could be the same, and in some way doing this has helped take both of ours away. Maybe not all of it quite yet, but I feel like I can finally put it behind me and move forward... I still don’t fully understand the reason for my parents doing what they did. Yeah, it got me out of my house but I feel like... it was just a lot to take for that purpose. I do feel that because of it, I have changed as a person and maybe that was the only reason for it, to make me a better version of myself. I hate seeing hurt and agony in anyone and sometimes when I see it, I want to be the one to take it all away. I can relate and feel compassion, and if that part of me is from what happened, I see that as a good thing, and I hope that stays with me forever. I don’t know all this for sure but it just feels good that I can see things a little more clearly. There may be something in the future that questions everything all over again but in this moment I feel secure knowing that it wasn’t for nothing.”

“And you say I’m the profound one. I think that’s a great way to look at things. I don’t know if I believe that all the bad thing in life happen for a reason because there is so much bad in this world and for the life of me, I can’t understand why. But then when I think of the first day I met you... I always felt like there was some higher power that led me to you, that we were destined to meet. And knowing how much you mean to me now and how much my life has changed, how can I question that? I think you’re right though, we’ll never have all the answers.” Kevin grabbed my arm and pulled me close burying his face in my neck. “Enough talking, I just want to hold you now.”

Well I guess I’m done with my sketch for today, not that I’m complaining. The new sketch I was working on was very personal, and I’m not even sure if I want it on display or just keep it for myself. When I was looking for inspiration for my new sketch, I thought back to the day when I confessed everything to Kevin. He told me that sometimes the bad things that happen to us may stay with us forever; all I wanted at the time was for them to all disappear, as if they had never happened. But Kevin was right—as usual—I cannot change what’s happened; I can accept it, reflect and learn from it, and try to move past it. They will never disappear, although I wouldn’t want them to since all my experiences have helped shape my identity, changed my outlook on life and the people around me. There are no visible scars when people look at me, nothing to show all that I have suffered; the scars remain within me, a reminder to myself of all that I have overcome.

That knowledge became my inspiration for my drawing. A self portrait which symbolizes how everything I have gone through is a part of me, just like everyone’s experiences are. One half of me symbolized an outsider’s view of myself, looking like anyone else, normal to the naked eye. The other half of me symbolized me from the inside where I look ruff and abused. I had cuts and bruises covering my face and chest, which is as far as I took the drawing. I even showed my heart on the inside shred up and broken. It wasn’t the most beautiful image, it was pretty gory but I wanted to do it for myself. I wanted something that portrayed inner pain, how it can really feel like. I always felt like everything I felt on the inside was ten times worse than any physical pain, knowing how hard it is to close all the inner wounds. 

Just like the memories, the scars will never fully heal. However, the pain of what happened seems to dwindle with time, just like the scars fade too. The healing begins with scabs, where the pain is still evident on the surface. Then ultimately fades into the scars, scars that stay with you forever but don’t hurt quite as much anymore. Although no one can see my inner scars, they are a comfort to me now, proving my strength—symbolizing my victory over the battles I had to endure.

I’ve learned a lot from all my experiences; I’ve seen the bad in people, and seen the good in people. I’ve learned that you can never truly know what people are going through. While some people might do some bad things in their life, we don’t know what life they live, and the demons they are fighting. There are so many different kinds of pain from the physical to the emotional, just feeling lonely and alone can be someone’s greatest pain. I know as loneliness has been a big part of my emotional pain. When I was younger there was no one to turn to, I lived with things all by myself, until I met Brian. As I got older, I had the love of friends but no one who wanted all of me, no one to share my life with, until I met Kevin. 

Most importantly, I’ve learned about myself. Overcoming obstacles is always a struggle and I have had moments where I wanted to give up. My weakest moment was almost giving up on life, nearly allowing the pain and darkness to prevail. I am so thankful that Kevin found me when he did, and I vowed to never give the darkness that power over me again. Letting the pain consume and overtake you can be worse than living through it in the first place. Of course, I know one of the reasons I almost gave up was fear, fear of the future to be exact. The future used to scare me, I always felt so empty and useless as if I had no real purpose on this earth. When you are in such a dark place, sometimes you don’t see the specks of light that are surrounding you. Although I may never know what my exact purpose is, I feel free and at peace with the unknown. I know I have people on this earth who I love and who love me, and that is purpose enough for me. 

I don’t think Kevin will ever fully understand how much he means to me; I’ve tried to tell him a million times, but he just says the same things right back and I have to inwardly roll my eyes. How do I put my feelings into words, I feel like no words are enough to tell him how much my life has changed since he’s come into my world. Without him I would have never found my true passion in life, art. What started out as something I did to escape from reality has become such a big part of my life, I even signed up for more art classes to try to develop my talent; It’s nice to have something just for myself that I actually enjoy. Kevin’s given me security, I never feel safer than I do when I am in his arms or just near him. Just lying in his arms and hearing the soothing sound of his heart beating, makes the whole world disappear and all my worries drift away with it. Sometimes I want to cry because I’m so unbelievably happy, which I have been doing a lot of I might add. Crying used to be associated with my pain and misery; I’ve never had moments of blissful tears until I met Kevin. He has shown me passion, desire, things I didn’t even know I wanted and needed until I had them. But most of all, he has given me a home, somewhere to belong and feel loved, and I couldn’t ask for more. 

“All right babe, I think it’s time to pack up.”

I held Kevin tighter, “No, I don’t want to leave from this spot ever.”

Kevin untangled himself from me and stood up. Then he reached down and grasped onto my arms lifting me up, “Come on, let’s go.” 

“You are way too strong, I’m gonna start lifting weights, starting tomorrow.”

Kevin chuckled and starting folding the blanket we brought with us. 

Well I guess it’s time for my surprise party. I wonder how much alcohol they will let me have tonight. I wonder who’s there. I don’t know a lot of people so I’m guessing it’s a pretty small list. As long as Kevin, Brian and Howie are there that’s all that matters to me. I’m sure they invited a few people from the gallery that I know. Oh, and AJ! They better have invited him.

“Hey! Did you invite AJ?”

Kevin turned around slowly, “Invite AJ to what?”

I closed my eyes and slapped my hand against my face. I am such an idiot. I cannot believe I said that out loud. I slowly removed my hand and opened my eyes looking at Kevin. He looked rather amused; I tried to find a way to recover but came out flat so I just plastered a huge grin on my face. 

“You know don’t you?”

“Kinda.”

Kevin shook his head and chuckled, “Well act surprised or Brian will be crushed, you don’t even want to _know_ how crazy he’s been going planning this.”

“Oh, I can imagine. But don’t worry, I can act surprised, I mean I _was_ pretty surprised when I found out about it.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Kevin reached for my hand and our fingers entwined, “let’s go home.”

  
  
  
_Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself_  
_Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms_  
_There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast_  
_Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life_

_If you knew how lonely my life has been_  
_And how long I've been so alone_  
_And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along_  
_And change my life the way you've done_

_It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me_  
_It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from_  
_It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me_  
_It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong_

_A window breaks, down a long, dark street_  
_And a siren wails in the night_  
_But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me_  
_And I can almost see, through the dark there is light_

_Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me_  
_And how long I've waited for your touch_  
_And if you knew how happy you are making me_  
_I never thought that I'd love anyone so much_

_It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me_  
_It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from_  
_It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me_  
_It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong_  
_It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong_

**THE END.**

 

 

_Chantal Kreviazuk - Feels Like Home_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's the end, hope everyone enjoyed it... feedback is always welcome. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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